“Okay, let’s start out by welcoming everyone to the Human Anomalies Support Group of Brooklyn, New York. It’s really good to see you. We meet here at the community center every Saturday from nine to eleven a.m. I’m Shane Blackman, licensed group therapist and facilitator, and we have some new members with us for this cycle. Let’s start by going around and introducing ourselves, then saying a few words about why we want to be here. Remember, you don’t have to talk, but you do have to listen. We’ll start with you, Earl.”
“Um, my name is Earl, and I work as a computer technician for the Wizard Foundation. I, um, I’ve been in the Human Anomalies group for, um, five years.”
“That’s great, Earl, thank you. Why do you want to be here?”
“Uh . . . I don’t have that many friends, and . . . I’m kind of used to coming here.”
“Okay, we’ll come back to that later. Let’s hear from you, Raquel.”
“I’m Raquel, and I’m here to . . . well . . . I’ve been coming here as long as Earl has, and I’ve been working on my self-esteem issues . . . because I look like a rat.”
“Now, Raquel. . . .”
“Well, I do, with my big nose and my buckteeth, but it’s not as bad as it used to be. I mean, I’ve learned to take more risks, get out a little more, not be so bothered when people stare at my nose . . . like what everyone is doing now, but that’s okay, I’m kind of used to it.”
“Good to hear you’re pushing the envelope, Raquel. Would you like to add something about a special achievement you’ve accomplished lately?”
“Oh, uh, yeah, forgot about that. Yesterday I got my fifth-degree black belt in mixed martial arts, with specialization in kickboxing and wing chun. And that guy I beat up last month for making jokes about my nose isn’t going to sue. He doesn’t remember what happened. From the concussion, I think.”
“That’s . . . uh, great, really great. And you’re here to . . . ?”
“Uh, oh, to learn to control my temper when people make fun of my nose.”
“Excellent. I like your hair, by the way.”
“I didn’t do anything to it, but thanks.”
“Okay . . . and now we have . . . which one of you would like to go first?”
“Oh, me, definitely. Hi, everybody! I’m Belinda—are we supposed to give our last names?”
“That’s up to you.”
“Okay, then, I’m Belinda and that’s Melinda, we’re the Janus twins, maybe you’ve seen us on TV, we were like on Sick, Sad World a few years ago and got a free makeover, which was so cool, you know, so we’re like really cute now, doncha think? I know I am, yeah, baby!”
“Um—okay, tell us about why you want to be in this group.”
“Oh! Yeah, well, hey! Great place to meet cute guys who are kinda out there, like me! I mean, like us!”
“Well, this isn’t really the place to . . . let’s hold that thought and move on. We’ll hear from your sister next.”
“Huh?”
“It’s your turn. Would you like to introduce yourself to everyone?”
“Eh, what the hell. I’m Melinda Janus. My sister and I are dicephalic twins—two heads, one body, blah blah. They thought about separating us at birth, but we share the same pancreas, so they couldn’t. And I don’t have any idea why I’m here. You can stare at us all you want to, it don’t matter to me. I’m used to it.”
“You have no idea why you’re here?”
“See, Belinda wanted to come to meet people, so we made a deal where if she gets to come here on Saturday mornings, we have to go to the library for the afternoon.”
“Yeah, the library, like eww! Can’t meet any cute guys there.”
“A deal’s a deal, Bee. Get over it.”
“You get over it, dork.”
“Okay, okay, let’s move on to, um . . . you.”
“Hey, Earl, you said you work for the Wizard Foundation?”
“Um . . . yeah, I’m in technical support.”
“Wait. I think it would be best to hold the personal questions for a while. We have a break coming in about forty minutes, and that’s when everyone can talk about issues that—”
“Earl, you know the Wizard Foundation’s got racist promotion policies, right? I mean, everybody knows it, right?”
“Uh . . . well . . . things have gotten a little better. . . .”
“Please, let’s wait on the extraneous intragroup communication and continue with our introductions. You are . . .?”
“I ain’t givin’ my name. Man, I thought I had real problems, but I got nothin’ on you all.”
“You’re a cross-dressing midget.”
“Belinda, please!”
“Well, he is!”
“Forget it. I’m goin’. I may be a cross-dressing little person, but I can get chicks just like that. Look, Earl, a word of advice. You look like a decent guy. You know you ain’t ever getting’ promoted at Wizard ‘cause you’re black, right? You ain’t never gonna make supervisor or nothin’. I should know. My brother-in-law works there in Personnel, and he says nobody with a skin tone darker than Hitler’s gets into middle management or higher. That came down from the boss himself. Wise up and find a better place for your talents, all right? You deserve it. I’m outta here.”
“Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!”
“Belinda! Ah . . . oh, well, he’s gone. Um . . . well, okay, we’re down one, but let’s continue. Earl, are you all right?”
“Huh? Oh . . . yeah, I’m okay. He’s right, though. Wizard’s not that great. I could do a lot better. I just—”
“Let’s get back to that thought after the introductions. Our final group member is . . . um, you. Say a few words about yourself, please.”
“Me name . . . Kang Admi. Me from Nepal. Not yeti, no, but humans say, yes, me yeti. Me not yeti, no way. White fur, yes, very big, yes, but me human, like you, just hairy. Me do modeling work, some acting, work out lots, get real buff, great abs. Look at that. Rock solid. But, big problem: if wear business suit and carry fine leather attaché case downtown to go job hunting, humans all stare, point, call tabloids to investigate, draw crowd, make me miss appointments. Here four years, still underemployed. What up with that?”
“Ah. I’m sorry to hear that, um, Kang. What do you want to accomplish by being in this group?”
“Oh, get job downtown, six figures, find better tailor, new girlfriend, like that.”
“Oooh-kay. Now would be a good time to do a group exercise and learn about realizing your actuality. Then we’ll have a video.”
“Shane?”
“Yes, Earl?”
“I don’t think I belong in the Human Anomalies Support Group anymore.”
“What? I’m surprised to hear you say that. Of course you—”
“No, I don’t. I’m only here because I don’t have any friends who aren’t in this group. This is the only place I ever go besides work or my apartment. The only reason I was ever in the Human Anomalies group to begin with was because someone bet me fifty dollars that I couldn’t put a goldfish bowl in my mouth, and when I did I was too scared for the fish to go to a hospital to have it removed. When our old group broke into that secret government lab in New Jersey four years ago and Jim knocked the fishbowl out of my mouth to short-circuit the force field, that little goldfish died all because of me and that bet, and I’ve never gotten over it. No one really believes we stopped an alien invasion. They all think—”
“Earl, I was there, remember? We sure as heck did stop an alien invasion!”
“Raquel, please don’t inter—”
“Whoa, hey! Are you that guy who was online last night, ‘Earl of Queens’? Was that you?”
“Melinda, one of our group rules is to raise a hand first before—”
“Yeah, that was me. I’m ‘Earl of Queens.’ I’m sorry that I—”
“I’m ‘The Other Half’! Get it? I’m the other half of my sister and me! I didn’t know that was you! We were in the Area 51 chat room together!”
“Is, like, that guy Earl your boyfriend or something?”
“Oh, shut up, Bee!”
“Please, let’s not quarrel unnecessarily! Remember, when a hand makes a fist, it can’t pick a flower. Let’s get back to—”
“Earl, let’s go take a walk. I gotta ask you some stuff, okay? Belinda, we gotta go.”
“Hey, if you pull me outta this group, I’m not going to the library later!”
“Screw the freakin’ library! Excuse us, Mister Blackman, we’ll be right back. You all go on and talk or something. Earl, c’mon.”
“You want to talk to me? About what?”
“We’ll be back, okay? All you cute guys wait for us! That means you, Kang! I’m telling you, Mel, this better be good. That Kang is hot.”
“Get off it, Bee. Earl, look: if you say you stopped an alien invasion, and that girl with the nose says you did, too, then maybe you did, okay? I mean, I don’t know what the hell happened, but if you need some help, you talk to me. I’ll do whatever I can, okay? Seriously.”
“Are you two talking about that movie where the aliens blow up the White House?”
“We’re not talking about a movie, Bee!”
“Thanks, uh, Melinda, but I don’t really need any help. I’m just . . . I don’t know, ever since the invasion, I feel so empty, like there’s all this stuff I should be doing, but I don’t know what to do. It’s like I’m wasting my life when I could be . . . oh! Sister? Sister, you dropped your newspaper! Sister!”
“Is that nun deaf or just hard of hearing?”
“I don’t know. Traffic’s moving again. Maybe when the light changes, I can run across the street and give her paper back.”
“That the Times?”
“Yeah. It’s a really good . . . oh.”
“What?”
“Oh, no! Oh, no!”
“What? What? Damn it, Earl, what’s the matter?”
“I’ve got to call the others! We have to go to Texas right away! He’s back! He’s baaack!”
