KILL TOM

(Volumes 1 and 2)

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Synopsis: The Deadly Fashion Viper Squadron meets its match in this Daria/Kill Bill crossover.

Author's Notes: This script is a Daria crossover with the movie, Kill Bill. It was written for an “Iron Chef” competition begun on PPMB. The goal was to create a scene from a Daria movie as if Quentin Tarantino had written and directed it. Because this was a Quentin Tarantino movie, the following guidelines were suggested:

1. Script form must be used.

2. Liberal use of blood and gore—but tastefully done, as this is Daria.

3. Scenes do not have to be in sequence. It is better, in fact, if they aren’t.

4. Liberal use of flashbacks, as often and as many as you like.

5. Daria must be the starring character (“The Cynic” instead of “The Bride”).

6. Did I mention blood and gore? Low-fat substitutes like catsup are permissible.

7. Extreme levels of perfectly choreographed fake violence are allowed, as long as it is tasteful.

8. Quirky humor required at all times.

9. Each scene must be a chapter with a title. It can parody a scene from either Kill Bill movie or just look like it came from one. Since Quentin Tarantino is doing it, it doesn’t matter.

10. Bonus points if the scene contains a hidden reference to another movie, TV show, comic book, etc. that you like very much.

11. Keep the Daria characters in character as much as possible.

12. Swearing is allowed, but it must be translated into #$$%@^%#%&^!!! characters.

13. [The Main Rule] You may kill or main Tom as often as you like.

Acknowledgements: Bless you, Quentin Tarantino.

KILL TOM

Volumes 1 and 2

Chapter Eight and One-Half: The French Mistake*

* A secret reference to a scene from Blazing Saddles (the “French Mystique” dance number).

At the Chez Pierre restaurant, we see the doors swing open and four teenage girls walk in: Sandi Griffin, Quinn Morgendorffer, Stacy Rowe, and Tiffany Blum-Deckler. Each is outfitted in a form-fitting black outfit with stylish black shoes. Their hair, makeup, and nails are perfect. Sandi leads the way to a table in the back, where they are seated.

STACY: Gee, Quinn, you were right! Black really is slenderizing!

SANDI: [sourly] If you like her ideas so much, why don’t you cut off my head and make Quinn the leader of the Deadly Fashion Viper Squadron?

QUINN: Oh, I could never cut off your head, Sandi!

VOICE OVER [DARIA, THE CYNIC]: The Deadly Fashion Viper Squadron was one of my worst enemies. They were in part responsible for the whole fiasco with Tom in seasons four and five. Don’t ask me how. It doesn’t matter. They were shallow and annoying, and that was good enough for me.

We now see a familiar figure turning around at the Chez Pierre bar: The Cynic (dressed as Daria usually is). The Cynic walks toward the table where the Deadly Fashion Viper Squadron is waiting for their salads.

THE CYNIC: There’s one too many of you to be the Three Stooges, and too few of you to be the U.S. Congress, so you must be... background characters.

Enraged, the four members of the Deadly Fashion Viper Squadron leap to their feet. Tiffany gets up last and pushes her chair in after putting her napkin down.

SANDI: Background characters? We’re the stars of this scene!

QUINN: How dare you!

SANDI: Of all the impertinous... [frowns]... impertin....

QUINN: [whispers] Impertinence.

SANDI: [ignores Quinn] How dare you!

TIFFANY: Yeaaah, like how—

THE CYNIC: [raises an eyebrow] Didn’t I see those shoes in aisle five at K-Mart? Blue-light special? Fifty percent off?

The Deadly Fashion Viper Squadron members instantly whip out five-foot-long highly polished katanas from sheaths on their backs. Sandi and Quinn are resolute and fierce. Stacy tries to look resolute and fierce but keeps watching Sandi and Quinn to make sure she’s doing it right. Tiffany looks as vacant as ever.

SANDI: [to Daria] This is one makeover I’m going to enjoy.

TIFFANY: [looks at the blade of her katana] Heeey, this is shiiiny. [checks her makeup]

The Cynic reaches into a jacket pocket and pulls out a Swiss Army knife. She opens the smallest blade and holds it down at her side.

THE CYNIC: Ready when you are, Moe, Larry, and Curly. [beat] And Tiffany.

STACY: Did she say I was curly? Are the ends of my hair curling up again? The humidity is really—

SANDI: Stacy!

STACY: Eeep!

No one moves for a full minute; lots of face and eye shots during this time. The Deadly Fashion Viper Squadron appears to prefer posing to action. Tiring of this, Daria wiggles her pocketknife in the direction of the Deadly Fashion Viper Squadron. Instantly, Sandi, Quinn, and Stacy swing their katanas in a full arc in Daria’s direction—and all three instantly drop their swords and sink to their knees, clutching their hands.

SANDI: I broke a #@#$%$ nail!

QUINN: I twisted my ^%@#$%@ wrist!

STACY: [watching Sandi and Quinn, pretending to be in pain] Paper cut! Paper cut!

TIFFANY: [frowns at her sword blade] Does this katana make me look f—

SANDI: [clutching finger] Tiffany, shut the @#$@#% up!

At this moment, Jeffy, Jamie, and Joey run into the scene with plastic squirt bottles full of ketchup, which they proceed to spray all over Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany.

SANDI, STACY, AND TIFFANY: Eww!!!

Jeffy, Jamie, and Joey throw away the empty bottles of ketchup and rush over to Quinn.

JEFFY: Can I get you a doctor? I’ll carry him here on my back!

JOEY: I’ll carry you on my back across town to the emergency room!

JAMIE: I know mouth-to-mouth! I saw it on E.R. once!

QUINN: [in agony] Get me a soda! With round ice cubes! For my wrist!

The Cynic closes her Swiss Army knife and walks out of Chez Pierre. None of the other guests at the restaurant pay the slightest attention to this scene. Outside, we see Tom Sloane standing with his hands on his hips, looking through the door.

TOM: What was that all about? Oh, hi, Daria. What was—?

The Cynic walks up to Tom and without a word kicks him in the groin with her right boot. He doubles over, gasping. She then makes a fierce-looking clawed shape with her right hand—and merely pushes him down the steps of the restaurant to fall into the street under a long line of passing buses, dump trucks, Army tanks, and steamrollers. The Cynic watches this without expression, then pulls out a legal notepad and crosses off “Deadly Fashion Viper Squadron” and “Tom.”

VOICE OVER [DARIA, THE CYNIC]: Time to move on to my next chapter: a flashback showing what happened five minutes before I walked into the restaurant.

END OF SCENE

Original: 04/24/04; modified 11/21/04, 07/22/06, 09/23/06, 07/26/08, 11/12/09, 05/05/10

FINIS