Text ©2010 The Angst Guy (theangstguy@yahoo.com)
Daria and associated
characters are ©2010 MTV Networks
Feedback (good, bad, indifferent, just want to bother me,
whatever) is appreciated. Please write to: theangstguy@yahoo.com (see, however,
“Author’s Notes”).
Synopsis: Daria Morgendorffer awakens one morning from
uneasy dreams to find herself transformed in her bed into a giant cockroach. Seriously. Well, not seriously, but she’s a giant cockroach.
We’re talking great literature. Based on it, I mean.
Author’s Notes: This is a third-season Daria highbrow literary crossover mini-episode fanfic television
script based on Franz Kafka’s 1912 existential masterpiece, The
Metamorphosis. This script is the kind of tale Daria herself might have
written if only she were a real person and had a few mental problems—not that I
do, you understand. Highbrow literary types can find the complete text of The
Metamorphosis online at:
Kafka's
The Metamorphosis at kafka.org
If you read the first few paragraphs—even the first
sentence—you get the complete idea of what’s going on, just like that. Boom. Subtle as a daisy cutter. I’m
not sure how people will react to discovering that Daria is now a cockroach. It
worries me a little. This is highbrow literature, and not too many people will
get it besides me.
The
lyrics from the third-season musical episode “Daria!” were taken from Outpost
Daria (http://www.outpost-daria.com/), which lists “Daria!” as episode #307. It
is nervously assumed that the reader is familiar with all the Daria characters, so that explanations
about who is who are not necessary for maximum enjoyment, if any.
The
ending, of course, was from the “Worst ‘Daria’ Fanfic Opening” contest, from
early September 2002. It was my entry, so I could use it legally, I think.
LAST NOTE:
Please do not write to me to complain about the failures of logic in this
story, of which there are many, because the beta-readers have already yelled at
me about them, but if I took them out this story would look even worse than it
already does, plus it would be only one page long, so it’s better that they
stay in, even the run-on sentences.
LAST LAST NOTE: For its headers, this story
makes use of a lively little font called Jester, which is available FOR FREE at
Urbanfonts.com and Dafont.com. If you download it,
you will love it (and it will make the story look much more interesting as
well, though it is already interesting enough in a clinical sense).
Acknowledgements: Thanks to Franz Kafka for the original
idea. U da MAN! u ROK! The beta-readers for this
story, bless them, were (in no particular order): Wyvern, Brother Grimace,
Robert Nowall, Galen “Lawndale Stalker” Hardesty, RedlegRick, Brandon League,
Crusading Saint, Steven Galloway, Deref, Thea Zara, THM, and TerraEsperZ.
Brother Grimace was the only one who admitted to actually reading The
Metamorphosis, though others might have read it but were
too ashamed to say so.
*
INT = Interior scene
EXT = Exterior scene
VO = Voice over (off screen)
1. INT: RAINY WEEKDAY MORNING, DARIA’S BEDROOM, MORGENDORFFER HOME
As lightning flashes and
thunder rumbles, we fade in to see the Kafka poster over Daria Morgendorffer’s
computer station, on the side of her room by the door into the hall. Heavy rain
drums on the roof. Our view drifts slowly down to Daria’s desk, where we see
various books by Kafka (The Trial, The Castle, The
Metamorphosis, etc.). The screen-saver on her computer monitor is
on, and we see computer-art ants marching randomly across the screen. Our view
drifts across the room to Daria’s bed, faintly illuminated by distant lightning
flashes outside. The clock alarm on the floor by her bed clicks from 6:29 to
6:30 a.m., and music plays: a segment from “Morning in the ‘Burbs,” from the
musical “Daria!” The male singer sounds like Jake Morgendorffer.
MALE SINGER: [VO, on radio, sings] It means a Lawndale morning’s going to start—
A limb covered by a blanket
reaches over and pulls the plug for the alarm out of the wall socket. The song
dies instantly. The limb withdraws from view. Thunder rumbles.
DARIA: [VO, muffled,
under covers] Oh, joy. Another perfect day. Do I
rise to face its myriad challenges, or sink back into the depths of dark
oblivion?
After a pause, we hear Daria
snore lightly. Suddenly, the blare of loud boy-band music comes through the
walls (from the direction of Quinn’s bedroom). A radio DJ comes on moments
later.
DJ (SPATULA MAN): [VO] Hey, hey, Lawndale! That was
“Baby, Let’s Sleep Together Before We Say Goodbye
Again Forever,” by Guys 2 Guys! Gooooood morning! This is Spatula Man on Z-93,
and it’s time to get your big sorry ass out of bed! This next song—
Someone—assumedly
Quinn—turns the radio volume down in the next room. We hear Daria give a deep
sigh.
DARIA: [VO, muffled,
under covers] The oblivion police are here. No
point in putting it off. The day’s not going to get any worse than this.
The figure under the covers
throws the covers off the bed. In a flash of lightning from the windows, we see
the bed is occupied by something that doesn’t look like it might be Daria. The
figure reaches down beside the bed and clicks a switch that turns on a small
lamp nearby, revealing that the being is a giant, Daria-sized cockroach, lying
on its back in Daria’s bed. The eyes are the only part of the giant cockroach
that look human—they are Daria’s eyes. The cockroach
yawns and rubs its eyes with its forelegs. It opens its eyes—and its eyes grow
huge as it peers at its forelegs.
DARIA: [voice
comes from giant cockroach throughout] EEEP!
Daria reaches over with one
foreleg and gets her glasses from the floor by her bed. She puts her glasses on
(they somehow stay on), and she looks at her six legs and abdomen.
DARIA: [tries
not to panic] This is not happening. This
is definitely not happening. I’m having a nightmare, or I’ve finally
gone psychotic, or I’m having a delayed reaction to that damn anchovy pizza I
ate at Jane’s last night. I should never have eaten out of her refrigerator.
Whatever’s happening, I need to stay calm while I wait for the real alarm to
wake me up. Just relax and see where this goes. That’s the ticket. As long as I
don’t feel any pain, I know I’m only dreaming.
Daria
tries to get up but cannot. She rolls from side to side in her bed, finally
rolling over out of bed and dropping to the floor. She hits the floor hard on
her abdomen, making a loud thump. Her glasses fall off.
DARIA: Ow! Damn it! [pause,
groans] Oh, no. I’m still in Kansas, Toto. I just wish my body would get the
hell back here from Oz.
Daria puts her glasses back
on and scuttles around her room, looking at things.
DARIA: My room smells differently at this
altitude—differently as in bad. Well, sort of bad. Maybe not
too bad. These week-old socks are okay.
Daria the cockroach picks up
a piece of garbage from the floor and looks at it.
DARIA: This smells suspiciously like part of that
turkey and mayo sandwich I ate in here last week. The turkey has turned green,
and the mayo looks like someone blew their nose on the turkey. [eats the crumb] Hmmm.
It could use some mustard.
Footsteps approach Daria’s
bedroom door.
HELEN: [VO, outside
bedroom door] Daria! Are you okay in there? I thought I heard something
fall down.
The door
handle jiggles. Daria looks startled. We focus on the door as the knob
continues jiggling—then the lock pops open. The door opens, and a hand reaches
in and turns on the overhead lights. Helen Morgendorffer peers inside, looking
concerned. She pockets a hairpin that she used as a lock pick.
HELEN: Daria? [shrugs] She must have gone
downstairs already.
Helen walks away, leaving
the door ajar. Daria, covered with dust bunnies, crawls halfway out from under
her bed. She sneezes, blowing dust all over the place, and blinks at the bright
light.
DARIA: I desperately need reality testing. Am I
really a giant cockroach, or is this is my long-overdue and much-deserved
mental breakdown? An impartial observer is called for.
QUINN: [VO, in
her bedroom next door] Muuuh-OOOM! Can I borrow your cucumber-avocado
five-minute facial mask? Mine is past its expiration date!
DARIA: And an impartial observer answers the call.
2. INT: MOMENTS LATER, HALLWAY OUTSIDE QUINN’S
BEDROOM, MORGENDORFFER HOME
Daria, on her six legs,
walks over to Quinn’s room and taps on the door with a foreleg.
QUINN: [VO] Door’s unlocked, come in! Unless you’re
Daria!
Daria reaches up, turns the
handle with a foreleg, and pushes the door open. She ambles in and disappears
from view.
DARIA: [VO] Hi, sis.
QUINN: [VO] Daria, shut the
door! I just put a facial mask on and I don’t want that icky stale hallway air
tooOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Quinn, in nightclothes and
with green stuff smeared all over her face, runs out of the room in hysterics,
screaming at the top of her lungs. She flees downstairs. After a moment, Daria
the giant cockroach comes out into the hall again.
DARIA: There has to be a downside to this.
3. EXT: MOMENTS LATER, FRONT DOOR AND FRONT YARD, MORGENDORFFER HOME
It is still raining. Several
lights are on in the Morgendorffer home. Wild screams from various
Morgendorffers are heard ringing through the house. The front door abruptly
flies open, and Quinn, Helen, and Jake Morgendorffer run out into the rain in
their pajamas and nightclothes, screaming in incoherent panic. They disappear
down the road in the early morning darkness and rain.
4. EXT: MOMENTS LATER, LIVING ROOM WINDOW SEEN FROM OUTSIDE, MORGENDORFFER HOME
Rain splatters on the
windowpane as Daria the cockroach manages to peer out. Only her head (with
glasses), forelegs, and antennae are visible above the windowsill.
DARIA: The perfect way to start every day. Still, it
was cruel to scare them out into the cold and wet. I should feel bad about it.
[pause]
Wonder if they left something on the floor for breakfast.
Daria gets down and
disappears from view.
5. EXT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, FRONT DOOR, MORGENDORFFER HOME
The rain has stopped, but it
is still overcast. Wearing a long raincoat with the hood pulled down, Jane Lane
walks up to the front door, humming tunelessly to herself. She rings the
doorbell and waits, still humming.
DARIA: [VO, behind
the door] Jane?
JANE: Yo, Daria! I thought you were coming by my
place first. Ready for walkies?
DARIA: [VO, behind
the door, anxious tone] I don’t know if I should go to school today.
JANE: What’s the matter? New hairstyle didn’t work
out?
DARIA: [VO, behind
the door] You tell me. Promise you won’t run away?
JANE: [raises
eyebrow] Not likely. You do owe me money. [frowns] You’re not pierced again,
are you?
The doorknob turns and the
door opens, but no one is visible at eye level. Jane looks down—and gasps and
flinches. Before her, one foreleg holding the door open,
is a gigantic cockroach wearing Daria’s round-frame glasses. Jane (with huge,
astonished eyes) and the cockroach (with a worried look) stare at each other
for several seconds.
DARIA: [weak
voice] Hi, Jane.
JANE: [weak
voice] Yo.
DARIA: [weak
voice] Well?
JANE: [blinks
rapidly, speaks slowly] Um... your... your hair
looks... okay.
DARIA: [surprised]
It does?
JANE: [recovering]
Yeah. [pause]
Got your books?
DARIA: Oh, right.
Daria disappears inside the
house. Jane closes her eyes, shakes her head from side to side, and mutters to
herself in a low voice.
JANE: [solemnly]
I will never, ever eat out of the refrigerator again.
Daria returns after a moment
with her gray school backpack on her round back, the straps over her two front
legs.
DARIA: [looks
up at Jane] Ready.
JANE: [blinks
again] Okay.
DARIA: How do I look?
JANE: [slow
voice] Fine. Um, what do you call what... you did with your hair?
DARIA: [confused]
I’m not sure.
JANE: [nods
absently] Just wondered.
Daria shuts the door with a foreleg, and they both leave.
6. EXT: MOMENTS LATER, SIDEWALK BETWEEN MORGENDORFFER HOME AND LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
Outside, it is overcast but
not raining. Jane reacts normally to Daria as they walk together down the
sidewalk. In the background, we occasionally hear people scream, run away, or
drive off quickly. Daria and Jane pay no attention at all to this background
noise.
DARIA: I can’t believe I’m actually going to school
on a day like this.
JANE: Eh, what’s a little rain?
Jane and Daria anxiously
glance at each other but continue walking.
JANE: [returns
to normal] Say, amiga, do you realize that this is our third season together?
DARIA: [startled,
looks at Jane] Our third what?
JANE: Semester! I said,
this is our third semester together.
DARIA: No, you didn’t.
JANE: Yes, I did. [pause] Got any plans for the
holidays?
DARIA: What holidays?
JANE: Whatever’s closest.
DARIA: I dunno. Since I got up this morning, I’ve
had a burning desire to crawl away from here for a while.
JANE: Maybe you could take a vacation, check into a
roach m—a motel, a regular model.
DARIA: [glaring
at Jane] Check into a what?
JANE: A motel.
DARIA: A what motel?
JANE: A motel! Just a motel! I said, maybe you could
check into a motel. You check in, and you... um... check out again, later. You
know—a motel.
Daria glares at Jane a
moment more, but she keeps walking.
JANE: Speaking of holidays, I thought maybe next
year for Guy Fawkes’ Day, you and I should—
DARIA: Stop. We agreed we would never speak of that
again.
JANE: Oh. Okay. [pause] Speaking of the weather,
then, I heard on the radio that we might get more wind and rain this afternoon.
Could be a big storm, might even be a hurricane, just like the one that—
DARIA: Jane.
JANE: Right. Forgot.
They walk a little longer.
JANE: Hey—
DARIA: Don’t say it.
JANE: Wanna go on a boat cruise?
DARIA: No.
JANE: Go to a dance party?
DARIA: No.
JANE: Visit some old people?
DARIA: No.
JANE: Sing?
DARIA: No!
JANE: Wanna help me stuff Kevin Thompson’s body in a
locker at school?
DARIA: N— [short
pause] Lemme think about it.
Jane begins whistling the
tune to “Morning in the ‘Burbs” (from the musical “Daria!”) as she walks. Daria
glares at Jane, then looks away, highly annoyed.
DARIA: [low
voice] I hate you.
As the two of them pass an
open garbage can, Daria stops, gets up on her rear legs, and peers inside. Jane
walks on, oblivious.
DARIA: [head
inside garbage can, voice echoes inside] Hmmm.
7: INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, HALLWAY INSIDE LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
Daria and Jane stand by a
row of lockers; Jane’s locker is open and she’s taking books out of it. In the
background, students and teachers are heard screaming and running away. A few
dropped textbooks, purses, pencils, and loose papers are on the floor.
JANE: So, how’s your report for Mr. O’Neill on
existentialism and high-school life?
DARIA: I finally got it done on the computer around
midnight.
JANE: Whoa. I bet you worked your little feet off on
it.
DARIA: [glares
up at Jane] My little what?
JANE: Fingers. I said, I bet you worked your little—
DARIA: No, you didn’t.
JANE: Yes, I did. By the way, Trent’s coming by
later with a box for Ms. Defoe. There was a shortfall in the school budget, and
she couldn’t get any red paint. Mom had some stored in the basement, so I’m
donating it to the school. Control yourself and don’t get too close to Trent,
though.
Daria the cockroach starts
to blush. The reddish blush spreads halfway down the length of Daria’s
giant-insect body.
DARIA: Why is that?
JANE: Oh, he came down with a cold. There’s a nasty
bug going around.
Daria glares up at Jane.
Jane looks down at Daria.
JANE: What?
DARIA: What did you say Trent caught?
JANE: A virus. I said, there’s a really nasty virus—
DARIA: [looks away, peeved tone] I heard you the first time.
JANE: [shuts
locker] If we’re going to make it to class on time, we’d better step on it.
DARIA: [shocked,
looks at Jane] Hey!
JANE: What?
DARIA: [walks
off angrily] You two-legs are all alike.
Jane sighs and follows
Daria.
JANE: Touchy, touchy.
8: INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, HALLWAY OUTSIDE GIRLS’ RESTROOM, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
Girls run screaming out of
the girls’ restroom, including Brittany, Andrea, and Jodie. Moments later, Jane
and Daria exit. Jane waits as Daria looks in a garbage can by the bathroom door.
JANE: The hallways don’t seem as crowded as usual.
You notice?
DARIA: [pulling
her head out of the garbage can] What? I didn’t
hear you.
JANE: Nothing.
9: INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, MR.
DEMARTINO’S CLASSROOM,
In Mr. DeMartino’s
classroom, all of the students except Daria and Jane are packed together in a
far corner of the room, as far away from Daria as possible. Kevin hides behind
his girlfriend, Brittany.
BRITTANY: Kevvy, you’re supposed to be protecting me!
KEVIN: I-I-I am, babe! It might crawl across the
ceiling and attack us from behind!
In the front of the room,
Mr. DeMartino stares hard at Daria the giant cockroach, who sits upright in her
desk. Jane sits calmly by her side. After a moment, Mr. DeMartino takes a long swig
from a liquor bottle, then puts the bottle in his desk and shuts the drawer.
MR. DEMARTINO: [eye
bulges out with emphasized words] I knew it! I just KNEW atomic testing
would LEAD to this! Miss LANE, would you care to introduce your special FRIEND
to the rest of the CLASS?
JANE: [points
to Daria with her pencil] This is Daria.
DARIA: [waves
a foreleg] Yo. ‘Sup?
MR. DEMARTINO: [eye
bulges out with emphasized words] DARIA. A strangely POPULAR
name. [eyes narrow] You look familiar. Were you
ever in Quang Tri Province, July nineteen sixty-EIGHT, outside my FOXHOLE?
DARIA: It wasn’t me. I don’t hiss.
JANE: [under
her breath] Yes, you do.
DARIA: [under
her breath] Shut up.
MR. DEMARTINO: [eye
bulges out with emphasized words] Hmmm. Very WELL. We’ll continue our LESSON
on technological development during World War TWO. Can ANYONE more sober than I
am manage to NAME one of the new inventions that helped control infectious
diseases like MALARIA?
JANE: [raises
hand excitedly] DDT! Killed those mosquitoes dead!
DARIA: [huge
eyes, horrified look at Jane] EEEP!
JANE: [exasperated
look at Daria] Whaaat?
10: INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, HALLWAY INSIDE LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
All the students flee Mr.
DeMartino’s class in a panicked mob, screaming as they run away. The floor is
littered with dropped textbooks, purses, pencils, and other items; lockers
stand open, and even backpacks lie about. Moments later, Daria and Jane calmly
walk out of the classroom. Daria picks up a small piece of trash as she walks.
DARIA: [examines
trash, holds small brown bag up to Jane] M&M?
JANE: I’m trying to quit, but... what color?
DARIA: [peers
in little M&M bag] Blue.
JANE: Nah. I have a bugaboo about those.
Daria looks resigned to the
pun and throws the M&M bag behind her.
11. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, MR. O’NEILL’S CLASSROOM, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
In Mr. O’Neill’s classroom,
all of the students except Daria and Jane (once again) are packed together in a
far corner of the room, as far from Daria as possible. Kevin again hides behind
Brittany. Daria walks to the front of the classroom on all sixes beside Mr.
O’Neill (who sits on his desk) and gives her speech. She reads from her paper,
held in her two front forelegs.
DARIA: My report is entitled, “Kafkaesque
Depersonalization and Related Existential Crises in the Life of a High-School
Student,” by Daria Morgendorffer. Franz Kafka’s novels ask the questions, “Who
am I?” and “Why am I here?” [lowers papers, looks
up at class] I have no clue how to answer these questions. This concludes
my report.
MR. O’NEILL: [anxious
look] That was rather... brief, wasn’t it?
Shouldn’t we honor his memory and spirit with more discussion of his writings?
DARIA: At the rate at which Kafka is spinning in his
grave right now, I doubt that he’ll notice.
MR. O’NEILL: I was hoping you could give us more of
an inside perspective on Kafka’s works. We so rarely have a visitor from
another phylum in our class.
DARIA: Yes, Kafka’s insights have me literally
crawling up the walls.
MR. O’NEILL: Um, yes, I see that. Very
well. [pats Daria on the back, then stops abruptly and
looks anxiously at his hand, appears to be getting sick] Oops! Uh, please
excuse me, I... I have to wash up! [runs from the
classroom]
12. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, HALLWAY INSIDE LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
All the students flee Mr.
O’Neill’s class in a panicked mob, screaming as they run away. The floor is
littered with dropped textbooks, purses, pencils, and other items; lockers
stand open, and even backpacks lie about. Moments later, Daria and Jane calmly
walk out of the classroom. Daria has an angry expression.
DARIA: [steamed]
Do I look like I have germs or something?
JANE: Jeez, Daria, you’re so thin-shelled sometimes.
DARIA: [glares
at Jane] Thin what?
JANE: Skinned. I said you’re so thin-skinned.
DARIA: Liar.
JANE: [ignores
Daria] Trent should be here by now. I called and told him to meet us in
back of the school, behind the gym. It’ll be easier to carry the paint to Ms.
Defoe’s room from there.
13: EXT: PARKING LOT BEHIND GYMNASIUM, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
It is peaceful and quiet in
back of the school. Trent leans against the Tank, waiting.
TRENT: Hi, Janey.
JANE: Hi, Trent. Thanks for bringing the paint.
TRENT: No problem. I... [voice fades out as he looks down]
With wide eyes and open
mouth, Trent looks at Daria the giant cockroach, who is trying to hide behind
Jane. Daria blushes a rosy color (much brighter than before) the entire length
of her body. Jane sees Trent staring and looks behind her.
JANE: Oh. It’s just Daria.
DARIA: [mortified,
low voice] Hi, Trent.
TRENT: [recovering]
Hi, Daria.
JANE: She did something different with her hair.
Like it?
TRENT: Um... [long pause]...
yeah.
Jane walks to the side door of the Tank to get the
paints. Daria, in abject embarrassment, is now a bright flame red, speckled as
per the episode “Ill.”
TRENT: What’s going on, Daria?
DARIA: Trent, I don’t even know how I should begin
to answer that.
TRENT: Hmmm. Whatever’s up... don’t let it bug you.
DARIA: [defeated
look] I was really hoping you wouldn’t use that phrase.
TRENT: Sorry.
DARIA: Forget it.
JANE: [reappears
carrying a large cardboard box] Thanks again, Trent.
TRENT: Sure thing. [coughs into fist] I’d better go. Wouldn’t want you to catch what I’ve
got. [rubs eyes, looks at Daria] It seems to be
messing with my vision.
DARIA: [glum]
Maybe less than you think.
TRENT: Funny, Daria. [starts to laugh, but coughs instead]
Trent gets into the Tank and
starts it up. He leans out the window before he goes.
TRENT: See ya. Oh, Janey?
JANE: What?
TRENT: Don’t eat anything out of the refrigerator.
We blew a fuse yesterday during a Mystik Spiral jam session, and all the food
spoiled.
Trent drives off. Daria’s
whole-body blush fades away.
JANE: [glum]
Now, he tells me.
DARIA: [very
glum] Please lift your boot and put me out of my misery.
JANE: [shakes
head] Not a chance, amiga. You still owe me money.
Daria and Jane walk back
into the school.
14: INT: MOMENTS LATER, GYMNASIUM,
Jane (carrying the cardboard
box) and Daria (with backpack) walk across the empty gym. In the background,
students and teachers are heard screaming and running away. The gym floor is
littered with basketballs, volleyballs, sneakers, and even gym shorts.
DARIA: What a rotten day. I could just crawl under a
refrigerator.
JANE: Oh, cheer up. What’s bugging you?
JANE: I said, what’s bothering you?
DARIA: That wasn’t what you said.
JANE: Yes, it was.
DARIA: [fed up] This day can’t possibly get any worse.
Across the gym, ahead of
Daria and Jane, we see Brittany, Kevin, and other students. They point with
horrified expressions at Daria, who is approaching them.
BRITTANY: [shrieks]
Run, everybody! Here it comes!
Kevin Thompson, behind
KEVIN: [sings]
Yes! Now, everybody out! Everybody out! / An
ordered, quiet exit is what exiting’s about! / You will not scream or howl—or
shout!
BRITTANY AND OTHER STUDENTS: [all sing] Everybody out! Everybody out!
Daria
and Jane stop to stare at the singers.
DARIA: [enraged]
That did it!
Daria runs off toward the
singing. We stay focused on Jane, who watches Daria rush off-screen. Jane
winces at the combative noises that follow. The music stops. Screams break out
everywhere, with the sounds of fighting, things falling down and breaking, and
people running away.
KEVIN: Ouch! Ow! Help me, babe! Ow!
OTHER VOICES: Run for it! It’s got the QB! Run!
15. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, MS. DEFOE’S CLASSROOM, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
In Ms. Defoe’s art
classroom, Jane sets the cardboard box on a table.
JANE: [looks
upward and calls out] Here’s your red paint, Ms. Defoe. Check it out when
you get down from the cabinets.
MS. DEFOE: [VO, quavering
voice] A-a-all right! Th-th-thank you!
JANE: Ready to go, amiga? [looks
around] Daria?
DARIA: [under
a table in the shadows] Be right there. Found a
French fry.
JANE: Maybe it’s time for a real lunch. Join me in
the cafeteria?
DARIA: Sure. Maybe we’ll have mystery meat, and
someone will drop a tray.
JANE: Your tastes sure have changed.
DARIA: I still hang around you, don’t I?
JANE: [softly,
to self] Hmmm. Is that good or bad?
DARIA: I heard that.
MS. DEFOE: [VO, quavering
voice] Is it safe to come down now, Jane?
16. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, CAFETERIA, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
Jane sits at a table in the
deserted cafeteria, eating her lunch. Daria the giant cockroach is under Jane’s
table, nibbling on food scraps. In the background, students and teachers are
heard screaming and running away. The cafeteria tables and chairs are
chaotically arranged, as if the place had been quickly abandoned; some chairs
are knocked over, lots of food and trays lie on the floor, etc.
JANE: Any particular reason you want to sit under
the table?
DARIA: That’s where the food is.
JANE: Hmmm.
DARIA: What is it with the “hmmm”?
JANE: Oh, uh, I was wondering, do you think we’ll
always be friends?
DARIA: Hmmm.
JANE: Now you’re doing it.
DARIA: What?
DARIA: Can I have another piece of your mystery
meat?
Jane casually picks up the
rest of the mystery meat from her plate and drops it on the floor in front of
Daria.
DARIA: Yes, Jane, we will always be friends. [starts eating the mystery meat]
17. INT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, HALLWAY OUTSIDE GIRLS’ RESTROOM, LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL
We again look at the door to
the girls’ restroom, behind which we hear tremendous screaming. The door bursts
open, and high-school girls flee in every direction, including all four members
of the Fashion Club (Quinn, Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany). Daria and Jane walk out
after everyone else is gone and head down the deserted hall toward their next
class. In the background (as usual), students and teachers are heard screaming
and running away. The hall floor is littered with dropped textbooks, purses,
pencils, loose papers, and other items—more even than before.
DARIA: [trotting
along beside Jane] This condition does have its
perks.
JANE: You just went to the bathroom twenty minutes ago. Did you really have to go again?
DARIA: Nah. I saw Quinn go in with the Fashion Club, and I wanted to say hi. By the way, I don’t remember what we’re doing in Ms. Barch’s class today.
JANE: Oh, we’re still doing that biology thing. Each
of us has to dissect a giant beetle.
Daria’s eyes abruptly grow
to enormous size behind her glasses. She stops dead in the hallway, terrified.
JANE: [stops,
looks back] What now?
DARIA: [near
panic] Jane, I have to go home! I can’t go to science class!
JANE: Got a weak stomach?
DARIA: Yes, and I don’t want someone hunting for it
with a scalpel!
JANE: C’mon, Daria. Show some backbone.
DARIA: What kind of crack was that? I’m an
invertebrate! I don’t have a backbone!
JANE: Daria, what’s bug—what’s bothering you?
DARIA: Can’t you tell?
JANE: You don’t like what you did with your hair?
DARIA: Jane, damn it, I’m a cockroach!
Jane freezes
and stares at Daria with enormous eyes, as if seeing her for the first time.
JANE: A what?
DARIA: Look at me! I’m a giant cockroach! When I
woke up this morning, I was a big-ass water bug!
JANE: [stunned]
Oh, no. You really are a cockroach.
DARIA: Yes! Couldn’t you see that?
JANE: [weakly]
I thought I was hallucinating. I was just playing along, waiting for you to
turn back into Daria again.
DARIA: Hallucinating?
JANE: That anchovy pizza we ate out of the
refrigerator last night was pretty bad.
DARIA: Maybe the pizza did this to me, I don’t know,
but I’m a cockroach now! I’m a bug, damn it!
JANE: You are a bug.
DARIA: [anxious]
You don’t have a problem with this, do you, Jane?
We’re still friends, aren’t we?
JANE: [takes a
step back] Um...
Jane turns and runs away
off-screen. Her retreating footsteps end with the sound of a slamming door.
DARIA: [calls after Jane] You’ll let me know after you stop running, right? Jane?
Daria
the cockroach slumps down and looks very depressed.
DARIA: Damn it, damn it, damn it.
18: EXT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, SIDEWALK BETWEEN LAWNDALE HIGH SCHOOL AND MORGENDORFFER HOME
Daria the giant cockroach
walks home alone with her backpack on. A car drives past and splashes her with
a tidal wave of water, soaking her. She never stops walking.
DARIA: [glum]
Rub it in.
She stops after she passes a
garbage can, then goes back, climbs up, and knocks the lid off. After peering
inside, she tries to reach for something—but she falls in completely, vanishing
from view. A couple seconds later, Tom Sloane and his sister Elsie walk into
view. Tom carries a rumpled sack from a fast-food restaurant (“Burger Baron”).
Neither Tom nor Elsie look at the garbage can, which
wiggles from side to side as they speak.
ELSIE: About time you cleaned out your car. That
fish sandwich was beginning to smell.
TOM: Everyone’s a food critic.
ELSIE: So, you want to go slumming on the
middle-class side of Lawndale? I thought you liked porking Muffys. You said
they put out like broken Coke machines.
TOM: Sure, but where’s the challenge? I want to
sample the low end of life, see what passes for cool among the great unwashed.
I have this fantasy where I get to bang an artist chick, or maybe a brain, or
better yet both. It would be great if they were best friends, and I screwed
them up for life.
ELSIE: Always the dreamer. And what will you do if
they don’t put out for Mister Nice Rich Kid?
TOM: Oh, probably go home and seek comfort among
those who love me.
Tom and Elsie smirk at each
other.
ELSIE: Is anyone watching?
TOM: Do you care?
Elsie and Tom grab each
other and kiss passionately. The garbage can continues rocking in the
background, bits of trash erupting from it like a little volcano.
ELSIE: [breaking
from the kiss] You are so evil, Tom.
TOM: Are you saying I have cruel intentions?
ELSIE: [sighs]
I loved that movie. [sad look] Except for the
ending.
TOM: [sad look]
Yeah. [brightens]
Let’s head back to the car, sis. I feel like steaming up some windows.
ELSIE: You’ve got it.
Tom throws the rumpled sack
into the trashcan, and he and Elsie go back the way they came. Moments later, the trashcan falls over, spilling garbage all over
the place. Daria crawls out. In one foreleg, she holds the sack that Tom
threw into the garbage can. She opens it and looks inside.
DARIA: Hmmm. A week-old fish
sandwich on moldy bread, covered with rancid tartar sauce and topped with
dried-up pickles. The perfect comfort food.
Daria eats the sandwich,
drops the sack, then continues on her way down the sidewalk.
DARIA: I’m still depressed. I need to cheer up—or at
least get back to my normal mood. But how will I ever feel better? Wait—Quinn
should be home by now.
Daria sets off at a quicker
pace. In moments, however, a strange noise is heard: the thumping of a
low-flying helicopter. Daria stops and looks up. Her eyes grow huge. In the sky
above her is a news helicopter with “SICK SAD WORLD
TV” painted on its sides. A cameraman leans out an open door, filming her.
Suddenly, approaching traffic is heard, and tires squeal as news-reporting
trucks (all from “SICK SAD WORLD TV”) pull around her. Jane appears, running
over to stand at Daria’s side.
JANE: Everyone! This is Daria Morgendorffer, my best
friend, the one I called you about! She’s a giant talking cockroach! And I’m
her manager!
DARIA: [stunned]
Jane! What are you doing?
JANE: And we’d like to be in movies!
JANE: [hastily
interrupting] Sorry! Her voice isn’t the best right now!
REPORTER TWO: [to
Daria] Give us a thumbs-up, then!
DARIA: [getting
angrier] If I had any middle fingers, I’d give you a—
REPORTER THREE: [to
Daria] Are the rumors true about you and Dolly the
sheep?
DARIA: [outraged]
What?!?
DARIA: [shouts]
Jane! What the hell is going on here?
JANE: [thrusts
face into TV camera lens] If any Hollywood producers are watching this,
we’d love to be in movies! I’m a lesbian, if that helps!
DARIA: [shouts]
Damn it, Jane, you are not a lesbian!
JANE: [to TV
camera] Don’t listen to her! She’s a giant talking
cockroach! Call me! Here’s my phone number: area code—
BRITTANY: [VO] There it is! Get it, Kevvy!
KEVIN: [runs
into the scene holding a can of insecticide] Go, Lawndale Lions!
Kevin sprays insecticide all
over Daria.
DARIA: [coughing
and gagging] Help! Can’t breathe! Jane!
JANE: [in
background, to TV camera] And here’s my cell
phone: area code—
DARIA: [glasses
fall off, weaker voice] Everything’s getting dark!
I’m... I’m...
The scene fades out as we
hear a series of beeps.
19. INT: EARLY MORNING, DARIA’S BEDROOM, MORGENDORFFER HOME
Daria’s bedside alarm goes
off with a series of beeps. Instantly awake, Daria sits straight up in bed with
a gasp—and then relaxes, falling back on her pillow. She’s completely normal
and wears a green nightshirt. A blanket covers the rest of her. It appears to
be a clear-weather dawn outside her bedroom windows. Without looking, she
reaches over and shuts off the alarm with one hand.
DARIA: [stares
up at ceiling without her glasses on] That had to
be the worst nightmare ever. Not even the makeover nightmare was worse than
that. The musical nightmare, that was almost as bad, but—
Someone clears his throat
near Daria’s bed. Daria looks to one side (toward the sound) without moving her
head. She blinks, then reaches down beside her bed and gets her glasses and
puts them on. She looks to the side again, sitting up on her elbows in bed.
Standing about four feet
away from her bed are several characters, each about two or three feet tall.
One is a fluffy Care Bear (Grumpy), blue in color with a rainy cloud on his
tummy. To Grumpy’s left is red-cheeked Strawberry Shortcake in a pink dress and
bonnet, and to his right is Rainbow Brite, mounted on the leader of My Little
Ponies. Peering from behind Grumpy Care Bear are Q-bert, blonde Smurfette, and
Uni, the baby unicorn from the “Dungeons & Dragons” cartoon.
No one says anything for a
couple of seconds—Daria stares at the group, and they stare at her. Grumpy Care
Bear finally steps forward.
GRUMPY: Excuse us, please, but Christmas, Halloween,
and Guy Fawkes Day said you might be able to help us with a little problem we
have.
Daria stares at him for a
moment longer—then gets a look of intense rage on her face.
GRUMPY: [sees it coming, clear as
day] Uh-oh.
20. EXT: EARLY MORNING, AERIAL VIEW, MORGENDORFFER
HOME
We pull back from one of
Daria’s iron-barred bedroom windows on the second floor of the Morgendorffer
home as the sun comes up, with the sounds of fighting, screaming, and breaking
things coming from Daria’s room. With a burst of music (orchestra version of
“Morning in the ‘Burbs,”), the scene fades away.
Original: 11/22/02, 01/20/03, 09/04/06, 09/18/06, 07/03/09, 05/13/10, 07/03/10
FINIS