Self-Insertion

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Synopsis: A semi-erotic furry Mary-Sue fanfic for the Daria show. One day I will regret ever writing this, I am sure.

Author’s Notes: Roentgen’s “Iron Chef” challenge of February 2006 had a complicated set of rules, based on a hierarchy of fanfic “cheesiness” seen online at:

http://www.brunching.com/geekhierarchy.html

The Daria equivalent of the above follows, in order of increasing cheesiness.

1. Fanfic writers
2a. Erotic fanfic writers
2b. Fanfic writers who put themselves in the story
3. Erotic fanfic writers who put themselves in the story
4. Furry writers
5. Erotic furry writers
6. People who write erotic "Daria" fanfic where all the Daria characters are furries, like Daria is an ocelot or something, and they put in a furry version of themselves as the star of the story.

“Write a few paragraphs from that #6 story, above,” said Roentgen, adding that points would be given for:

a. fur
b. eroticism (but nothing explicit!)
c. appropriate furries chosen for Daria characters (cute names are a bonus)
d. appropriate fur choice for yourself
e. Mary Sue-ism.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to Roentgen for the challenging challenge.

“Oh, c’mon, Darrria,” purred Jayne with a smirk, “it’ll be fun!”

“I don’t like fun!”

“Now, now, let me.” Rrrowjrrr reached for Darrria’s forepaw, but she jerked it away and crossed her arms, pulling away from him on the bed. “Just relax and enjoy yourself.” He gave her a winning smile. “I’ll scratch you behind the ears while you do it.”

Darrria’s amber eyes narrowed until her vertical pupils were almost hidden. “I’ll pee on your computer keyboard if you touch me,” she growled.

“Darrria,” whispered Jayne, putting her furry muzzle close to her best friend’s face, “there’s nothing like it. You’ll feel wonderful. It’s like scratching an itch you haven’t touched in years.”

“If I haven’t scratched it in years, I don’t need to scratch it.”

“You won’t believe what you’ve missed,” the tom assured her. “I’ll help. I’ll be gentle.”

“But I ‘won’t’ be,” Darrria promised, all of her claws out.

Rrrowjrrr the tom smirked. “Pretend you’re writing a Mary Sue story,” he offered. “You know . . . self-insertion.”

“They used to call it self-love,” said Jayne. “Now they call it—” With a lightning move, she swiped at Darrria’s fluffed-out tail. “Gotcha!” she cried. “And now all we do is—AAAAAAAA!!!”

“AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” Rrrowjrrr the tom agreed.

The veterinarian plastic surgeons did all they could, but their fur never did grow back properly, and Rrrowjrrr and Jayne were forced to pretend they were Manx cats ever after, as so much of their tails were missing.

And Darrria was inexorably transforming into a cat who lived alone in a one-room apartment with thirty-year-old newspapers in her litter box and a human.

Unfortunately, the human was Brian Taylor.

Original: 02/11/06, modified 06/07/06, 10/04/06

FINIS