The
Thong Remains the Same
©2010 The Angst Guy (theangstguy@yahoo.com)
Feedback (good, bad, indifferent, just want to bother me,
whatever) is appreciated. Please write to: theangstguy@yahoo.com
Synopsis: In this sensitive and insightful, though unofficial,
continuation of Kara Wild’s Driven Wild Universe, Amy and Joel separate after
fighting over a trivial issue, as married couples usually do, and they and
Daria, Jane, Quinn, Helen, Jake, Tom, and everyone else wander Lawndale in
search of a plot that is supposed to involve thongs. I think this is also the
first Daria fanfic to feature a
Hooters restaurant as a major setting.
Author’s Notes: It has been a long time since
we’ve had a Driven Wild Universe story to thrill and entertain and move us.
Kara Wild, our first-class spinner of tales, has moved on to bigger and better
things, and that leaves the rest of us with only our happy memories to keep us
warm at night, not that I am implying anything in saying that. However, with
Kara Wild’s gracious permission—which, legally speaking, completely absolves me
from blame for creating this abomination—we now have one more DWU story, that
being this one, which takes place after DWU episode #20, “Memory Road.” Note: I
borrowed part of Scene 1 from something Kara wrote on PPMB. I’m admitting it,
so I didn’t really steal it. Also, the baby’s name is actually RYAN, or so Kara says, but Kara says
a lot of things and let’s not quibble over unimportant
details. This story originally appeared on the new PPMB website in a much less
edited form, if you can believe that. I was trying to remember what moved me to
write this, but all I can recall is a PPMB discussion about thongs, Quinn
dating a possum, and sex between people pretending they are pirates. Kara did
not ask me to write this, as she would technically have to be insane to do so.
I should point out that it helps
to have read Kara Wild’s DWU before starting this, as you’ll understand then
why Quinn wears glasses and acts like a brain, or Tom hasn’t dumped Jane, or
who the hell Joel is, etc. Or you can just read this story, which is a lot
shorter and much easier to handle. Plus, it has 750% more thong than DWU does.
By the way, this story makes use
of a free font used in the title (and other places) that you might like. It is
called Jester and can be downloaded
from dafont.com or urbanfonts.com, among
other fine places (again, for free).
BONUS! This version of “The Thong Remains
the Same” comes with an ending scene not shown on
PPMB! Download this story immediately and show all your friends!
Acknowledgements: None of this would be possible without the stupendously
brilliant work of Kara Wild, who created DWU just so that I could produce this
horrible, horrible parody of it. Kara also contributed commentary to keep the
story on-canon (ha!) and suggested the addition of Lindy and the use of the
word “uncle” since Joel was married to Amy at the time
of this story, which I sort of forgot. Brandon League gets credit for spotting
an error, as he always does in everything I write, and I mean everything, thank
God I am not bitter about it, and I shamelessly stole the whole pirate/sex
subplot from Galen “Lawndale Stalker” Hardesty’s “The Teachings of Doña Daria,” because—hey! Pirates are sexy! Everybody
loves pirates! Also, Kristen Bealer makes a guest appearance with a “special
friend,” although I can’t remember now why I wrote her into the script. I think
it was punishment for something. Oh, well. This story is respectfully dedicated
to Frito Lay, which made the large sack of Doritos that I ate as I wrote this
story. Enjoy!
*
EXT: Exterior scene
VO: Voice over (off screen)
1. INT: LATE SUMMER NIGHT, AMY AND JOEL’S HOME, BEDROOM
We look into a typical bedroom.
Joel is undoing his silk shirt. His black trousers are on, but his belt is
undone and shoes are off. Amy is in the bathroom with the door shut.
JOEL: [to Amy] The sitter told me
our little ankle biter was the best little ankle biter in the whole world!
Ain’t he great?
AMY: [VO] If she didn’t say it,
she wouldn’t get paid. She knows the rules.
JOEL: Well, at least she said it. By the way, when are we
going to give Junior Johnson a name? He’s six months old, for chrissakes.
AMY: [VO] Don’t rush me, okay?
I’m still thinking about it! His whole life depends on a good name!
JOEL: His whole life depends on just getting a
name, Amy. I mean, everyone’s calling him The Little Dude or Amy’s Kid or
Prince Poopalot or John Doe or stuff like that. It’s
sort of embarrassing. Just pick something soon, okay?
AMY: [VO] You don’t understand.
Men never do.
JOEL: [rolls eyes]
Whatever. Say, your sister Helen really knows how to
throw a divorce party, huh? Whew! So, she and the Jakester
are history now, huh?
AMY: [VO] I think she went a little over the top with
those sculpted hot dog treats.
JOEL: The Bobbit Burgers? Well,
they did look kinda realistic. [winces] Maybe a
little too realistic.
AMY: [VO] I mean, what was Helen thinking? Her daughters
were there! They could’ve been traumatized!
JOEL: Oh, I saw Daria eat two of those Bobbit
Burgers. With lots of ketchup, too. That artist friend
of hers ate about a half dozen.
AMY: [VO] Well, Quinn could have been traumatized.
JOEL: Nah. The Math Club was keeping her entertained with
calculator tricks. Those nerds really like her. I bet it’s her glasses. Dorks
always go for chicks with glasses. Some kind of mating signal, I bet. Know
what? I think the Math Club wanted a little piece of Quinn pi. Get it? Math Club? Pi? [long silence] Amy?
Did you get it?
AMY: [VO] I got it, I got it! I’m in Mensa, remember? I
got it!
JOEL: [under his
breath] Sounds like you’re having a little Mensa problem there. Or should I
say, a little menses problem.
AMY: [VO] What?
JOEL: Nothing, dearest! [takes off his silk shirt, blows his nose on it, and kicks it under the bed]
Amy quietly opens the bathroom
door and saunters out. She is wearing a mostly unbuttoned man’s shirt and a
thong, but nothing else. She creeps up behind Joel and puts her arms around
him.
AMY: Hey, handsome! Notice anything... different?
JOEL: Uh... I like the way you did your hair.
AMY: Oh, thanks, you idiot! I did my hair two weeks
ago!
AMY: You never notice anything about me!
JOEL: You did your nails? Your eyes?
Mustache?
AMY: Joel!
JOEL: You bought something through the Internet to make
your boobs bigger? Help me out, okay?
AMY: You dope! Look at me!
Amy turns around while pulling her
shirt up, revealing that she’s wearing a thong. She wiggles her behind.
JOEL: Oooh, that’s... [long pause] Hmmm.
AMY: What?
JOEL: Oh, uh, nothing. It looks great. I mean, it’s grrrr-REAT!
AMY: But you’re saying that something’s wrong with it,
right? Do you like my thong?
JOEL: [pause] Uh, no, no, of course not. Wait! I mean, yeah, I do, I—
AMY: Oh, I knew you’d hate it!
JOEL: What? All I originally said was “Hmmm”!
Amy looks doubtful, but she turns
and wiggles her behind again.
AMY: So, you do like it?
AMY: Does it make my butt look big? Tell me!
JOEL: No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Of course
not! You look great! Both of you!
AMY: It does make my butt look a little bit big, though,
doesn’t it?
JOEL: Amy, for heaven’s sakes, no! You look fantastic!
Your butt... it’s just a little bigger than Helen’s, maybe, but it—
AMY: [after a beat]
WHAAAT?
JOEL: Oh, man. That was a joke! Amy, wait—no! Amy! AMY!
AAAAAA—
2. INT: LATER THAT NIGHT, MORGENDORFFER HOME, LIVING ROOM
Daria and Jane sit on the sofa,
watching TV with a large bowl of popcorn between them.
TV ANNOUNCER: Area woman attempts to strangle her husband
with her thong! Film and a live report at eleven!
DARIA: That’s Amy and Joel, I bet.
JANE: Those wacky kids. So in love.
DARIA: So insane.
JANE: So, do you think I’d look good in a thong?
DARIA: God, Lane. I just ate.
The doorbell rings.
QUINN: [runs
downstairs, wears glasses] I’ll get it it’s for me don’t
open it let me open it it’s for—
Quinn opens the front door to
reveal Aunt Amy standing there. Amy wears an overcoat and carries two
suitcases.
QUINN: [sighs and
walks back upstairs] Daria, it’s your future self come to warn you about
your wardrobe.
Daria and Jane get up and walk over as Amy walks in and
puts down her suitcases.
DARIA: Hmm, you’re not the Math Club come to take Quinn
out to Chez Pierre, and you’re not Dad in drag, pulling a Mrs. Doubtfire, so you must be... the Spanish Inquisition.
JANE: No one expects—
AMY: Another word and you’re toast.
JANE: —the, um... [coughs]
AMY: Don’t get married, Daria. Just don’t. Don’t live with
a man, don’t hook up with a boyfriend, don’t let a boy put his hand up your
blouse or down in your pants, don’t even look at of them. Don’t have anything
to do with men at all. Ever. Be a lesbian, Daria.
You’ll be happier for it. Trust me on this.
DARIA: So, how’s Joel?
AMY: Men are pure evil, Daria. They drop used underwear
with railroad tracks in them and everything right on the floor, just leave it
lying right there in the shower and in the vegetable crisper and in the china
cabinet and your car’s glove compartment, anyplace that looks vaguely like a
clothes hamper, they’ll put it.
DARIA: Once when Quinn was three, she threw her—
AMY: Their feet stink when they don’t change their socks
every week, and when they eat too much bean-and-onion chili and have the most
horrible flatulence in the whole freaking world, they wait until the middle of
the night and then pull the covers over your head and gas you and then laugh
exactly like lobotomized hyenas.
JANE: [laughs
hysterically] Oh, that’s great! I love that! I’m going to try that the
next—
DARIA: [glares] Jane.
JANE: [laughter dies]
Uh... I meant, good to see you, Amy!
DARIA: How did this harmless little nuclear exchange get
started?
AMY: It doesn’t matter. It was over something completely
trivial and unimportant. I can’t even remember what the argument was about. My
ass isn’t that big, anyway. And Joel and I are fine. I’m just moving in
with your mother until Joel is dead.
JANE: But what about the baby?
AMY: I’ll have UPS ship him over after my wounded inner
self has been healed.
DARIA: Ah. You’re punishing Joel by sticking him with
Prince Poopalot for a week.
AMY: About damn time that jerk
learned to change a diaper.
DARIA: I’ll get Quinn’s room ready.
AMY: But wouldn’t Quinn have to move out first?
DARIA: [after a beat]
Your point is...?
AMY: Never mind, I’ll take the spare bedroom. If Helen can
crash with me when she has man trouble, I can crash with her.
JANE: Men certainly are trouble, aren’t they?
AMY: You can’t live with ‘em,
and you can’t shoot ‘em and throw ‘em out of your car by the side of the Interstate—not
legally, I think. It might be littering. Helen would know.
JANE: I have a boyfriend. He’s handsome and smart and cool
and rich, but one of these days, some other girl is going to stick her tongue
down his thro—
DARIA: No one wants to hear about it, Jane. Come on, Aunt
Amy. [picks up a suitcase, leads Amy into the house]
JANE: I’m mostly over it now, though.
DARIA: [leaving the
room] Good. Shut up.
JANE: My therapist says I’ll be doing pretty well once I
lick the mutilation thing.
DARIA: [VO] Jane!
JANE: Joking!
Jane gets the other suitcase and
follows Daria and Amy off to the spare bedroom.
JANE: [under her
breath] Bee-itch!
3. INT: EARLY NEXT MORNING,
MORGENDORFFER HOME, LIVING ROOM
Daria and Jane are asleep on the
sofa, an empty bowl of popcorn between them. The TV shows a farm report about
hog prices. Daria lies on her side, half covered by an afghan. Her mouth open,
and she snores lightly. Jane slouches with her head back. As we watch, Jane
stirs, scratches herself under her T-shirt, and stretches, awakening. She looks
down and sees Daria.
JANE: [whispers] So innocent. So harmless. So ready to swap spit with my
boyfriend. [evil look crosses her face] Heh heh heh heh
heh.
Jane moves the popcorn bowl off
the couch and slowly scoots over next to the snoring Daria. Jane then carefully
drapes the afghan over Daria’s face, making sure it covers Jane’s lower half as
well.
JANE: [whispers]
Launch sequence started. Ten, nine, eight...
4. INT: ABOUT THIS TIME, MORGENDORFFER HOME, KITCHEN
Helen Morgendorffer and her sister
Amy sit at the kitchen table, wearing bathrobes. Their hair is a mess, and
neither appears to have slept well. On the table between them is a huge
container of chocolate-chip cookie-dough ice cream with two large spoons stuck
in it.
AMY: And he leaves pubic hairs in the shower soap! Can you
believe that? It takes me half an hour each day to get all of them out!
HELEN: Joel looked like such a polite, cultured, neatnik kind of guy when I was staying with you. What
happened?
AMY: We got married.
HELEN: Oh. Yeah, I remember Jake also changed after our
little hippie wedding.
AMY: Excuse me? Jake was a clueless nutcase crybaby long
before you got married.
HELEN: Well, yeah, but there was more of that after.
AMY: What ever attracted you to him in the first place?
HELEN: He always put his underwear in the hamper.
AMY: Oh. [sigh] Boy, I’d love to meet a man who did that.
Amy gets up from the table to look in the refrigerator.
AMY: [head in the
refrigerator] What is it with men? As soon as they
get married, they completely change! They’re like Jekyll and Hyde, Frankenstein
and his monster, Doctor Evil and Mini-Me, the Captain and Tennille. You put a
ring on ‘em, and they go from one extreme to the other! When I met him,
Joel was sweet and picked up all his clothes and didn’t floss and belch at the
dinner table or watch ESPN when I was trying to get it on with him! And he
hasn’t changed the baby once! Why are guys so fickle? I haven’t changed!
I’m still the same rational, open-minded, sensitive intellectual I was before I
married that stinking scum-sucking pig two-faced microcephalic
dirtball male twit!
As Amy rants, Helen frowns. She’s
staring at Amy’s bathrobe-covered behind as Amy bends over, rummaging through
the refrigerator. Helen looks down at her own lap and lifts her hands, holding
them as far apart as the width of her hips. She eyeballs Amy’s behind again,
her hands moving apart a few more inches. Helen’s eyebrows
raise, and she leans forward, looking surprised as she moves her hands apart
another few inches.
Amy abruptly turns around and sees
Helen. Helen claps her hands together and shrugs and smiles innocently as if
nothing were going on.
AMY: What?
HELEN: What?
AMY: [points at
Helen] What?
HELEN: [looks
innocent] What?
AMY: What’s with this? [points at Helen’s hands]
HELEN: This? [looks at her hands in
pretend confusion]
AMY: No, this! [holds up her hands
just as Helen did] You were—
DARIA: [VO, in the
living room] AAAAUUUGGGGHHH!!! [coughing and choking
sounds]
HELEN: [stands up
from table] Girls! Are you awake yet?
Jane wanders into the kitchen in
her rumpled clothes. She has an enormously satisfied smirk on her face.
JANE: Up and ready. [yawning] What time is it?
HELEN: Eight-fifteen.
JANE: Wow, that’s a new record for me! But why is it still
light out?
HELEN: It’s eight-fifteen in the morning.
JANE: The morning? Oh, man, I’m going home to bed.
HELEN: No, don’t! Stay and have some ice cream with us
before I go to work! I’ll get you a spoon.
JANE: Hmmm. You’re eating ice cream right out of the
container. By any chance, were you two complaining to each other about your guy
problems or something?
AMY: Oh, no, of course not. Why would we talk about men?
Why would anyone want to talk about men? What could there possibly be about men
that would make anyone ever want to talk about them? Answer me, damn it! Why why why why WHY?!?!
Jane thinks,
then looks into the ice-cream container.
JANE: Chocolate-chip cookie dough. Hmmm.
Did I ever tell you about my boyfr—my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend,
Tom?
HELEN: [hands something to Jane] Here’s a spoon.
Jane, Amy, and Helen sit down and start in on the ice
cream.
HELEN: Where’s Daria?
JANE: Getting a little fresh air.
5. INT: ABOUT THIS TIME,
MORGENDORFFER HOME, DARIA AND QUINN’S UPSTAIRS BATHROOM
Daria washes off her face,
coughing and spitting into the sink. Quinn walks in wearing her glasses and
nightclothes.
QUINN: Spray some Lysol in the sink when you’re done,
okay?
DARIA: [gasps] Can’t. Gargled the last of it.
QUINN: Tell Mom we need more, then. Listen, Daria, I’ve
been thinking about Mom and Dad and Aunt Amy and Uncle Joel, and—
DARIA: Group marriages are illegal, but I’d go to the
wedding anyway if Mom served those Bobbit Burgers
again.
QUINN: No, listen! I worked this out on my computer. We
have to come up with something that will get everyone back together again. If
we pool our brains, we can make it work.
DARIA: Quinn, if we pooled our brains, I’d lose fifty IQ
points. Stop getting your ideas from reruns of “The Lucy Show,” okay?
QUINN: Daria, seriously! Just imagine what horrible kind
of mental anguish Joel and Amy’s Kid are experiencing now!
6. INT: ABOUT THIS TIME, AMY AND JOEL’S HOME, LIVING ROOM
Joel and his infant son sit on an
overstuffed couch, watching a TV set connected to a DVD player. Joel wears Star
Wars boxer shorts and a Chicago Cubs T-shirt, with oversized pink rabbit-faced
fuzzy slippers on his feet. He holds a Duff beer can. His infant son wears
bulky disposable diapers and a blue “I’m With Stupid!” T-shirt,
holding a baby bottle up to his mouth.
JOEL: [to infant
son, pointing to TV] See that? That’s Cameron
Diaz. Whoa. Now, that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout. Look
at that butt. It’s all about butt, Little Dude. Look at that. Damn! [drinks beer]
Joel’s son looks at him while
sucking on the baby bottle. The little boy then looks back at the TV. On the
TV, we see Cameron Diaz in an opening scene of the Charlie’s
Angels movie, dancing in her home and shaking her
bootie to music. Joel’s son stares at Cameron Diaz’s breasts, not her
wiggle-waggle behind.
JOEL: Now, that’s a butt. Man, I’m tellin’ ya! You know, your mom’s
got a great butt, but... I dunno. [drinks beer] We’re
married now, and it’s not the same, really. I mean, Amy’s got a fantastic butt,
the best, but it’s like... you know, like I’m supposed to look at her
butt. It’s not like, um, you know, forbidden fruit. I mean, she didn’t keep me
from looking at her butt, she practically stuck it in
my face every chance she got, but it was like, you know, forbidden, sort of,
before we got married. Now it’s like I have to look at her butt. It just
ruins everything. You know what I mean?
Joel’s son pulls the bottle from his mouth and burps
loudly.
JOEL: Damn right! [drink beer, looks at
TV] Man, oh, man. Now, that’s a majorly serious species of butt! Go,
mama! Yeah! Shake that thing for me!
7. INT: A MOMENT LATER,
MORGENDORFFER HOME, DARIA AND QUINN’S UPSTAIRS BATHROOM
DARIA: What makes you think we need to engineer some kind
of “Parent Trap” deus ex machina
to get the wayward adults back together? Maybe it’s
better they all go find someone else. In the meanwhile, we can change our names
and move to South America and pretend we never knew them. Argentina’s supposed
to be nice.
QUINN: Oh, Daria, don’t you ever worry about Dad? Can’t
you imagine the self-esteem problems he must be having, knowing that because of
his behavior, he’s lost his wife and family?
8. EXT: ABOUT THIS TIME, JAKE
MORGENDORFFER’S LAMBORGHINI, ON INTERSTATE 77 NEAR LAWNDALE
Jake is at the wheel of a bright
red Lamborghini, doing 115 mph down the Interstate with eight police cars and
two National Guard helicopters in hot pursuit behind him. He appears insanely
happy. Brittany Taylor and the rest of the Lawndale High School cheerleading
squad are packed into the car with him, every one of them drunk and naked and
laughing their heads off. Brittany sits beside Jake Morgendorffer, her breasts
bouncing wildly up and down as the Lamborghini rockets down the freeway with
careless abandon, passing gasoline tankers, semi tractor-trailers, and tour
buses full of nuns.
BRITTANY: My gosh, Mister
Morgendorffer, where did you learn all those blonde jokes?
JAKE: Easy! I went to college!
Everyone laughs hysterically.
BRITTANY: [points at
the windshield with an empty bottle of Night Train] Oh, Mister
Morgendorffer, there’s an oil slick!
JAKE: I see it! Here we go! YEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAW!!!!
The car hits the oil slick and
spins around like a mad amusement park ride. Everyone screams with crazed
excitement.
9. INT: A MOMENT LATER, MORGENDORFFER HOME, DARIA AND
QUINN’S UPSTAIRS BATHROOM
DARIA: Okay, you’ve made your point. What do you think we
have to do to get the balls and chains on everyone again?
QUINN: Just leave everything to me.
DARIA: I will. Meanwhile, I’ll change my name to Daria
Gonzales and get an apartment in Buenos Aires. I could work as a maid if I
could ever figure out how to make a bed.
10. INT: MIDMORNING, MORGENDORFFER HOME, KITCHEN
Helen, Amy, and Jane are on their
third container of ice cream (“Praline Fudge Overbloat
Ribbon”) at the kitchen table. An empty bottle of crème de menthe and several
small shot glasses also litter the table.
JANE: Yeah, okay, so Tom hasn’t really cheated on me with
Daria, and she’s not really trying to jump his bones every chance she gets.
Maybe I’m a little paranoid. [under her breath]
Not.
HELEN: He’ll do it.
AMY: Men are all alike.
HELEN: Jake did it. I think. He might have. He had the
chance, so he’s guilty.
AMY: You did it! You kissed your art teacher!
HELEN: That doesn’t count. It was just a kiss.
AMY: Depends on how much of your tongue he choked on.
HELEN: Oh, and I suppose you haven’t swapped spit
with anyone!
AMY: Doesn’t count.
HELEN: Doesn’t count? Why?
AMY: It was with a girl.
HELEN: Oh. [shrugs, peers into
empty ice cream container] We’re out again. Damn it.
JANE: Tom’s gonna do it. He and Daria are dying to buff
the bedsheets. I just know it.
HELEN: [gets up,
looks in freezer for more ice cream] Dear, there is something you can
do to prevent that.
HELEN: [gets
container of ice cream and brings it to the table] That
might be illegal in this state. I’ll check. But you could do what Jake and I
did.
AMY: Get divorced? Jane’s not even married yet!
HELEN: No. We had a special thing we did that kept the
excitement in our marriage, until Jake got tired of wearing the eye patch and
the fake parrot. Still, it worked wonders for us for over twenty years.
JANE: He dressed up as Moshe Dayan?
HELEN: Long John Silver, Jane. [blushes] We pretended he was a
pirate captain and I was an innocent maiden.
AMY: Jake as a pirate is a bit of a stretch, but not as
much as that other part.
HELEN: He would tie me up and ravish me, or pretend to
ravish me when his Viagra ran out, and that kept the magic in our marriage. [pounds table] If only we could have found a
stuffed parrot that wouldn’t keep falling off his shoulder and hitting me in
the ass! And he wanted me to wear a thong, but I wouldn’t do it because it hurt
my toes.
JANE: [thoughtful]
Hmmm.
AMY: [thoughtful]
Hmmm.
11. INT: ABOUT THIS TIME,
MORGENDORFFER HOME, QUINN’S BEDROOM
Daria and Quinn (wearing glasses)
sit at Quinn’s hot pink i-Mac computer.
QUINN: See, here’s how it would work. We print off these
“secret admirer” notes I got off the Internet, and we put them where Mom and
Dad can find them, and they’ll each think they’ve got a secret admirer, and
they go to the secret meeting place and find—tah dah!—each other! And we’ll do the same for Amy and Joel! It
can’t fail!
DARIA: [squints at
computer] “hi i saw u thru yur
bedrum windo an u r hottr then brittanni speers xcpt she has biggr boobz. I want 2 c u tonit n the
park at midnihgt. war a
thong! luv, jeffy. ps
joey an jamie r 2 stupid 4
u.”
QUINN: Yeah, he thinks he can win me back with romance,
but I’ve got standards now!
DARIA: [squints at
computer] The one from Jamie is just a picture of
his—wow.
QUINN: It’s not his. Trust me, it’s not.
DARIA: I don’t want to hear about it. Oh, how sweet—Joey
sent you a poem. “Roses are red, violets are blue, if you don’t go out with me,
I’ll kill the Math Club so I can have you.”
QUINN: I think he copied it from somewhere. The spelling’s
too good.
DARIA: You’re going to turn these into secret admirer
notes?
QUINN: Jamie’s picture will go with the first one. I’ll
change “Math Club” to something else in the second and add the note about the
park at midnight. Oh, Daria! This is so exciting!
DARIA: My bowels are churning with anticipation.
QUINN: I always knew I had a special talent for
matchmaking.
DARIA: I thought you weren’t allowed to play with those.
QUINN: You wait and see, Daria. Maybe I can even hook you
up with a guy!
DARIA: Thanks, but your offer is respectfully refused.
I’ve looked around and decided to marry myself.
QUINN: Your wedding night should be interesting. I worry
about your kids, though.
12. INT: EARLY AFTERNOON, SLOANE MANSION, FRONT HALL
Tom Sloane walks over to answer
the front door as the doorbell rings. He opens the door to reveal Jane Lane, standing
there with a large, full sack in one hand.
TOM: Uh, hi. I thought you weren’t coming over until later
tonight. “Seven” doesn’t start until eight.
JANE: I kinda wanted to get in
the mood first.
TOM: For a serial-killer movie?
JANE: For the refreshments afterward. [winks]
TOM: Oh. Oh! Sure, come in!
JANE: I brought a little something to help out. Props.
TOM: Props? Uh, you mean like, uh—
JANE: Role-playing.
TOM: [groans]
Not Dungeons and Dragons again, please. You know I can’t stand—
JANE: I’m thinking of something less geeky, maybe a little...
dirtier.
TOM: [recovers quickly]
The bedroom’s right this way. [leads Jane upstairs] I still have that Greystar condom, too! And it’s still
in its gold pack!
JANE: [follows Tom
upstairs, looking at his tush, under her breath in
deep voice] That’s not the treasure I’m after, me
hearty. Arrr, now!
13. INT: ABOUT THIS TIME, LAWNDALE
HOOTERS RESTAURANT, MAIN DINING ROOM
Joel and his infant son sit in
Lawndale’s Hooters Restaurant. Joel looks at a menu. The baby is trying to
drink from his bottle while ogling the over-endowed waitresses in their tight
T-shirts. The waitresses also wear thongs, but the baby ignores that. As one
waitress walks past, the baby gets distracted by her jiggly
front and drops his milk bottle.
HOOTERS GIRL: Goodness! Let me get that for you, honey!
The Hooters Girl bends down to
pick up the bottle, giving the baby a generous view down her low-cut cleavage.
The baby is all eyes with astonishment.
HOOTERS GIRL: Here you go, sweetie! [returns bottle and kisses baby, inadvertently putting her breasts up to his
face] Bye bye!
The Hooters Girl leaves. The baby
is shocked—but then smiles. Joel pays no attention to this, still reading his
menu. Another waitress walks past, and the baby again drops his
bottle—deliberately, this time.
ANDREA, THE SECOND HOOTERS GIRL: Oh, no! I’ll get that,
little guy!
Andrea, the Second Hooters Girl,
bends down to pick up the bottle, giving the baby yet another generous view of
Mammary Wonderland.
JOEL: [without
looking up from menu] Hi, Andrea. What’s good tonight?
ANDREA, THE SECOND HOOTERS GIRL: [hands bottle to baby] Hi, Joel. The wings are pretty good. I think
some of them are from chickens this time. [to baby]
Here you go, sweetie-pie! [kisses baby, bumping
her bosom into his face, then leaves]
JOEL: [to baby]
I dunno, Little Dude. What looks good to you?
A third waitress walks past, and
the baby again drops his bottle on the floor.
THIRD HOOTERS GIRL: Oopsie! I’ll
get it, darlin’! [bends over to get the bottle]
The baby grins broadly, happy as a
clam. Drool runs down his chin onto his bib.
14. EXT: ABOUT THIS TIME, PARKING
LOT OUTSIDE THE LAWNDALE HOOTERS RESTAURANT
Daria and Quinn drive up in
Helen’s SUV and stop outside the restaurant. Quinn is driving.
QUINN: Amy said Joel eats lunch here sometimes. Oh! There
he is, with Prince Poopalot!
DARIA: Amy’s got to pick a name for that kid, and soon.
QUINN: Don’t rush her. [opens SUV door] Wait for me in the car. I’ll be right back after I deliver
his “secret admirer” note.
DARIA: Quinn! Joel will see you! And someone will see me!
QUINN: Daria, we’re at Hooters! No one is going to look at
you.
DARIA: [glares]
I feel so much better now.
QUINN: And Joel will never see me anyway. I’ll have a
waitress deliver the message.
15. INT: MOMENTS LATER, ENTRYWAY
OF LAWNDALE HOOTERS RESTAURANT
Brittany Taylor, in full Hooters
regalia, is working the reception desk. She grins and waves at Quinn when she
comes in.
BRITTANY: Hi, Quinn! Good to see you! But doesn’t your
shift start at eight?
QUINN: I’m just here to deliver a message. [hands envelope to Brittany, points to dining area]
It has to go to that guy over there, next to the baby, but he can’t know I sent
it.
BRITTANY: Oh, I’d take it! And I love your glasses, Quinn!
They make you look so smart!
QUINN: Thanks! See you at eight!
Quinn leaves. Brittany takes the
envelope with the message in it and walks back into the dining area.
16. INT: MOMENTS LATER, LAWNDALE
HOOTERS RESTAURANT, MAIN DINING ROOM
Brittany walks toward Joel (still
reading the menu and frowning), but she is clearly heading for another table.
The baby sees Brittany, mouths the word “WOW!” and throws his battered baby
bottle on the floor in front of her. The top comes off the bottle, and milk
goes everywhere.
BRITTANY: [stops by
baby] Uh-oh! Better get you a refill! Hi, Joel! [picks
up the bottle]
JOEL: [looking at
menu] Hi, Brittany. [points at menu] I heard that the American
burgers were good. You think so?
BRITTANY [frowns,
squints at menu, points] That’s “merkin burger.”
JOEL: Oh. Thought it was a misprint.
BRITTANY: I haven’t gotten any complains.
JOEL: [nods, still
looking at menu] Hmmm. I’ll think about it. [glances at her] Oh, by the way, nice thong.
BRITTANY: Thanks! Can I take Amy’s Kid back to the kitchen
for more milk?
JOEL: [nods absently]
No problem. He’s probably bored. The trip’ll do him
good.
Brittany picks up the baby (also
holding the envelope and the bottle parts) and holds him cradled against her so
that his head is between her breasts. The baby appears to be overwhelmed, then he buries his face deep in her cleavage, content.
Brittany walks away to a party going on two tables beyond Joel’s.
BRITTANY: [handing
over the envelope to a man at the new table] Someone
had a message for you, Mr. Morgendorffer!
Jake Morgendorffer looks up from
his steak and oysters, an open bottle of Jack Daniels by his plate. Monique and
Alison sit at his side, wearing in tiny string bikinis and drinking Duff beers.
JAKE: [cheery]
Thanks, Brittany! Good to see you! [puts envelope in his
pants pocket]
BRITTANY: You, too, Mr. Morgendorffer! Have fun!
JAKE: I’ll try, but I’ve got a long, hard night of
overtime ahead!
Monique, Alison, and Brittany
burst into laughter.
BRITTANY: You’re so funny, Mr. Morgendorffer! Can I get
you a sandwich for later?
JAKE: No, thanks. [glances slyly at
Monique and Alison] I’ve already got one!
Everyone laughs again.
17. EXT: ABOUT THIS TIME, PARKING
LOT OUTSIDE THE LAWNDALE HOOTERS RESTAURANT
Looking upset, Daria still sits in
the SUV, waiting for Quinn.
DARIA: Quinn was right. No one’s so much as peeked at me.
Crap.
Quinn comes out of the restaurant
and gets back into the SUV.
DARIA: Congratulations, Double-O Seven.
QUINN: You’re giving me a number and taking away my name?
Is that some kind of math crack?
DARIA: No, you’re the... oh, forget it.
QUINN: Gosh, this is the best plan I’ve ever had! I should
work for the government!
DARIA: [takes off
her glasses and rubs her eyes] That was a better
put-down than anything I could possibly have dreamed up.
QUINN: We’d better hurry. I have a date tonight.
DARIA: [puts glasses
back on] As usual. Who’s the lucky guy this time?
QUINN: Oh, I never know their names, maybe fifteen or
twenty guys if—[stops, realizing what
she’s said]—I mean, Jeffy.
Daria turns to stare at Quinn with
huge eyes and open mouth. Quinn looks mortified.
18. INT: ABOUT THIS TIME, MORGENDORFFERS’ HOME, LIVING ROOM
Amy Barksdale sits on the sofa,
watching the big-screen TV.
TV ANNOUNCER: In this afternoon’s news, Ryan O’Neill and
Meg Ryan, fresh from a remake of “Ryan’s Daughter,” were on their way to
Chicago to start filming a remake of “Saving Private Ryan” when they suffered a
minor accident on the Dan Ryan Expressway.
AMY: Hey, that would be a good name for the baby: Dan!
Amy tries to figure out the TV’s
remote settings, but finally throws the remote aside and gets up to walk over
to the TV herself to work the controls. As she does, she looks down at the
round coffee table before her and stops. On the table is an envelope marked
“AMY.” She opens the envelope and pulls out a laser-printed letter. A small,
colorful piece of paper falls from the envelope as she does.
AMY: [reading letter]
“hi i saw u thru yur bedrum windo an
u r hottr then brittanni speers xcpt she has smaler boobz. I want 2 c u tonit n the park at midnihgt. war a thong! luv,
yur secrit admrirrirerer. ps
jole r 2 stupid 4 u.” A secret
admirer? Wow!
Amy sees the piece of paper on the
floor and bends down to pick it up. She looks at the paper, which appears to be
a color photo from a computer printer—then starts violently. Her eyes open wide
and her mouth drops open.
AMY: Oh, my God! He’s a mutant! [looks at letter again] I’d better get showered and put on my thong! [hurries off to her bedroom and shuts the door]
19. EXT: LATER THAT AFTERNOON,
PARKING LOT BESIDE JAKE MORGENDORFFERS’ APARTMENT DOOR
Daria and Quinn drive up in
Helen’s SUV and park next to Jake’s first-floor apartment. They are in the
middle of a heated talk.
QUINN: [turns off
ignition] Daria, look—it’s not what you think! I just have a secret job as
a Hooters waitress to get some extra cash. I’m not—not whatever literary kind
of thing you were thinking!
DARIA: I can’t imagine which is worse, what I was thinking
or what the reality turned out to be. Just tell me one thing.
QUINN: And the answer is: No! I never have, and I never
will! I don’t even slow dance until the fifth date, and the customers have all
been perfect gentlemen, except for the ones who tip only ten percent. I hope
they rot.
DARIA: My question was, how’s the pay?
QUINN: Forget it. They’ll never take you.
DARIA: [glares]
Do J, J, and J know about this?
QUINN: I’ll give you fifty to shut up.
DARIA: A hundred.
QUINN: [reaches in
purse, grabs handful of money, throws it at Daria’s
feet] There goes an hour’s worth of tips. Don’t press your luck.
DARIA: [collecting
cash] What I don’t get is, how can you square this
with your new brain persona?
QUINN: Daria, was Einstein a millionaire?
DARIA: No.
QUINN: Well, I’m not making his mistake.
Quinn gets out of the SUV with an
envelope in her hand, walks to Jake’s door, and puts the envelope in the crack
between the door and the doorframe.
DARIA: [sitting in
SUV, frowning] I’m having difficulty refuting her point. Damn it.
Daria takes off her glasses, looks in the driver’s
rear-view mirror, and tries a vacant smile with blinking eyes.
DARIA: [forced perky
voice] Hi! I’m Daria! Welcome to Hooters! [looks disgusted and puts glasses back on.] I should have my head
examined for ferret nests.
Quinn hurries back to the car,
gets in, and starts it.
QUINN: We’d better get to Mom’s office and deliver her
envelope before she gets back from her lunch break.
DARIA: We could fax it to her from one of those business
services places, like Mailboxes Ad Nauseum or Kinky’s.
QUINN: [driving off]
You’re right! Now you’re starting to think like me!
Daria goes wide-eyed with shock, then grits her teeth and begins banging her head
against her side window as hard as she can.
About five seconds after Daria and
Quinn depart, Helen Morgendorffer can be seen creeping
around the side of the apartment building, dressed in her usual legal outfit.
She stays out of the way of windows, hiding behind bushes and shrubs, until she
is close to the apartment door. She spies the envelope stuck in the door and
sneaks over to get it, trying to look nonchalant while watching out to make
sure she is not seen. She snatches the envelope and rushes back into the bushes,
where she tears the envelope open and reads its contents.
HELEN: [quotes from
letter] “Roses are red, violets are blue, if you don’t go out with me, I’ll
put your name on every spam mailing list in existence. Oops—pretend that this
letter rhymed or something. Whatever. Signed, Your Secret Admirer. P.S. Meet me in the park at midnight. I
will wear a thong so you will know who I am, but don’t expect me to wear it a
second time, because they’re not very hygienic, even if some of them can be
considered fashionable in an extreme sense.”
Helen crumples up the letter in a
rage.
HELEN: He is seeing someone else! So, he thinks he
can run around and cheat on me just because we’re divorced? We’ll see about
that, Long Thong Silver! [rushes off to a nearby company car and drives away]
20. INT: ABOUT THIS TIME, LAWNDALE
HOOTERS RESTAURANT, MAIN DINING ROOM
Jake Morgendorffer has finished
his early dinner, and he and the bikini-clad Monique and Alison leave, arm in
arm—almost, as Jake’s hands are on the posteriors of Monique and Alison. We
look back at their vacated table and see that the envelope Brittany gave Jake
fell out of his pocket when he got up. Andrea the Hooters waitress walks over
to the table with a large garbage can, sweeps everything into the garbage can
with one motion of her arm, then drags the garage can away. A few moments
later, Brittany appears, leading Jeffy, Joey, and Jamie to the table. The three
Js appear very glum and initially look at nothing other than the floor, their
shoes, or the tabletop after they sit down.
BRITTANY: [cheery]
Here are your Hooters menus! Anything to drink?
JEFFY: Hemlock.
JOEY: Battery acid.
JAMIE: The blood of everyone in the Math Club except
Quinn.
BRITTANY: [writes
this down, frowning in confusion] I’ll have to ask the bartender if we have
that, okay? Be right back!
The three Js don’t even bother to
look at the menus.
JOEY: I can’t believe Quinn dumped us for a bunch of dorks
with pocket protectors.
JAMIE: There is no justice.
JEFFY: I feel like Job, right after the whale swallowed
him.
JAMIE: That was Moses, dope.
JOEY: No, it was Sinbad! Jeez, are you ever stupid!
Jamie looks down and sees the
envelope that Jake Morgendorffer dropped. He idly picks it up and opens it.
JEFFY: Sinbad was the one that went to the archery contest
and beat King Lear or somebody.
JOEY: That was William Shakespeare.
JEFFY: He didn’t have anything to do with archery, man!
JOEY: He shot that apple off his son’s head, right?
JAMIE: [clutching letter]
Whoa! I can’t believe this!
All three crowd around the letter.
JAMIE: [reading]
“Roses are red, violets are blue, if you don’t go out
with me tonight at midnight in the park, then something something
something rhymes with ‘blue.’ Remember to finish this
poem before delivering it to J.”
JOEY: [grabs letter]
That’s typed in Quinn’s favorite font with her
hot-purple ink cartridge on her lavender stationery! That’s for me!
JAMIE: [grabs letter
back] No, it’s for me! I’m the J!
JEFFY: [grabs letter
for himself] No, me!
All three Js tear the letter
apart, then rush out of the restaurant at full speed,
pushing and shoving each other. Moments later, platinum-blonde Lindy appears in
a string bikini, clutching a half-empty bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Wine.
She rushes over to the table that the three Js just vacated.
LINDY: Oh, rats! I just missed him! [looks around restaurant, yells] Jake? Jake!
I’m here now! Where are you?
21. INT: LATE THAT NIGHT, AT 11:55
P.M., MORGENDORFFERS’ HOME, DARIA’S BEDROOM
Daria sits at her desk, checking
her computer monitor for her e-mail. A digital clock gives the time.
DARIA: Do I want to refinance my home mortgage loan? No.
Do I want to meet friendly Russian women for marriage? No. Do I want to fix my
septic tank? No. Do I want to get the dirt on my neighbors? I’ve already
ordered that. Do I want to see hot Asian teens? No. Do I want more pills, a new
diet, a new credit card, a cable descrambler, or a way to make thousands of
dollars at home stuffing envelopes? No. [sits back] This
sucks. Damn Al Gore anyway for inventing this piece of—
A knock sounds at her door.
DARIA: Go away!
QUINN: [opens the
door and comes in] Thanks! Isn’t it great, Daria? In just five more
minutes, Mom and Dad will find each other, and Aunt Amy and Uncle Joel will
find each other, and they’ll live happier ever after, just like in “Romeo and
Juliet”!
DARIA: I know that’s not what you meant to say, but I’m
actually afraid you got it right.
QUINN: Oh, give me some credit, okay? You’ll thank me when
this is over.
DARIA: Assuming that civilization as we know it still
exists. Look, I was going to ask you, where in the park are they supposed to
meet?
QUINN: Um, you know, in the, uh, park. Just in the park.
DARIA: But where are Mom and Dad supposed to meet? You
didn’t make it the same place as where Amy and Joel are supposed to meet,
right?
QUINN: Uh... uh, you know, I hadn’t thought about that. I
mean, Village Green isn’t that big, right? I thought... well, they should be
able to... um...
Daria closes her eyes and groans,
putting a hand to her forehead as if she has a migraine.
QUINN: Oh, stop it! I’m sure it’ll work out! What could
possibly go wrong?
DARIA: [opens eyes]
They said that at Chernobyl just before they shut the
coolant off.
QUINN: Which high school was that?
DARIA: If we’re suddenly orphaned tonight, I’m fighting
you for the house.
22. EXT: ABOUT THIS TIME,
LAWNDALE’S VILLAGE GREEN—A LIGHTLY FORESTED CITY PARK
A dark blue sedan slowly cruises
the streets around Village Green. Jane Lane peers out the rolled-down driver’s
window, looking for something. She wears what seems to be a pirate’s outfit,
cut for a woman. A black tri-corner hat rests on the passenger seat beside her,
partially covering a bullwhip.
JANE: [calls out
window] Tom? Tom, are you hiding from me? Come on, it was just a little
role-playing! It was fun, wasn’t it? I won’t use the whip any more if you come
back, okay? Tom? Tom! Damn it.
Jane sighs and accelerates away
from the park. After a moment, some bushes in the park near the central statue
rustle, and Tom Sloane peeks out in great fear. He appears naked except for a
black thong and a pirate flag he has partially wrapped around himself; broken
handcuffs dangle from his wrists as well. He appears a bit worse for the wear,
scratched up as if he’d run through a patch of briars. Hearing a sound
approaching, Tom immediately hides in the bushes again.
After a moment, Amy Barksdale
appears, walking toward the city park wearing a long, dark raincoat. She wears her
glasses, but as she approaches the park, she takes her glasses off and puts
them in her raincoat pocket. She takes out a pocket cosmetic mirror, opens it
to check herself, then shuts it and walks into the park itself, looking around
her.
AMY: [soft voice]
Hello? Hello? Anyone here wanna play “pirate”? Is there anyone around who sent
me a secret admirer note with a take-me-now passport attached to it? Hmmm. This is the only park in Lawndale, I think. [hears someone coming] Oh! [hurries off and hides in the bushes about forty feet from where Tom is hiding]
After a moment, Jeffy, Joey, and
Jamie wander into view. They appear to have been fighting, as all are severely
battered, bruised, and scratched, but they are now cooperating to search the
park as they walk through it.
JEFFY: [loud whisper]
I don’t see her, man.
JAMIE: [loud whisper]
She’s here. I know she is. Quinn wouldn’t lie.
JOEY: [loud whisper]
But it’s really dark, you know. I can barely see my face in front of my hand!
JAMIE: [loud whisper]
Shhh! [points
to bush where Amy went] Something moved over
there!
JEFFY: [grabs both
Joey and Jamie, loud whisper] Okay, remember what we agreed on? All three
of us are going to talk to Quinn and find out which one of us she’s going to
choose, once and for—
At this moment, Amy’s raincoat
flies over the bush and lands on the ground near the three Js. They jump,
startled, and stare at it. After another moment, Amy’s blouse flies over the
bush to land by the coat, then her skirt, her shoes and stockings, and her bra.
The three Js stare at the clothing, then at the bush.
AMY: [VO, soft
whisper] Oops! I’ve lost my clothes! I hope the pirates don’t find me!
The three Js appear stupefied.
JOEY: [pointing at
bushes] Was that Quinn?
JAMIE: [stares at
bushes] Kinda sounded
like her.
AMY: [VO, soft
whisper] All I’ve got on for protection from the pirates is my thong!
JOEY AND JAMIE: [gasp]
That is Quinn!
JEFFY: [to the other
Js, loud whisper] Hey, do you think we should call the police about the
pirates? They could be—
Joey and Jamie clamp their hands
over Jeffy’s mouth. All stand perfectly still.
JOEY: [clears
throat, rough voice addressed toward bush] Arrr,
now, matey! I reckon this here jungle be a good spot
to go a-huntin’!
JAMIE: Arrr, I reckon ye be right,
me hearty! I reckon this here place be a good spot fer
some pirate sport, yo ho ho!
TOM: [VO, soft
whisper from bush] Damn it! Not this!
JEFFY: Uh, yeah, I guess—
Joey and Jamie punch him in the
arms.
JEFFY: Ow! Oh, um, I meant, arrr, there be buckets o’ blood spilled tonight if—
Joey and Jamie punch Jeffy again,
harder.
JEFFY: Ouch! Okay! Uh, arrr! Arrr, let’s be off a-huntin’ fer wenches, mates!
TOM: [VO, soft
panicked whisper from bush] Oh, no. No way, not this.
Oh, man, I gotta get out of—
JOEY: [tiptoeing
toward Amy’s hiding bush] Avast! I wonder if
there be... female treasure a-hiding here!
JAMIE: [moving up
with Joey] Aye! If there be, it’s about to be boarded, it be!
JEFFY: Um, yo, Captain Hook and
Captain Hook Two, what’ll we do with, um, you know, if
we, uh, catch her?
Joey and Jamie look at Jeffy with pained expressions.
JAMIE: [whispers]
We’ll do anything she wants us to do, period. Anything.
Got it?
JOEY: [whispers]
Like, duh!
JEFFY: [blinks in
shock] Oh. Okay.
AMY: [VO, in bushes]
Oh, no! I fear I’ve been discovered!
At a signal, all three Js rush the bush where Amy is
hiding. After much rustling around, there are three sudden, distinct gasps in
masculine voices.
AMY: [VO] Uh... three of you? What the hell. [loud whisper] Oh, no! The pirates have
caught me, and all I have on is this thong! [pause] Does it make my butt look
too big?
JOEY, JEFFY, AND JAMIE: [VO] No! Not at all! You look
great!
AMY: [VO, relieved]
Good! Oh, and what are you going to do with me, you sea dogs?
JOEY: [VO] Arrr, now, me pretty!
And what d’ye think ruffians such as we should do with the likes
of ye?
AMY: [VO] That’s pretty good.
JOEY: [VO] Thanks.
AMY: [VO] Oh! I fear that all I have left to ransom my
safety from you cutthroats is... my body!
Stunned silence for a moment,
then—
JOEY, JEFFY, AND JAMIE: [VO] ARRRRRR!!!
The bushes rustle with
combinations of piratical calls like “Time t’ be keel-hauled!” and “Prepare fer boardin’!” mixed with Amy’s
cries of “Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh... oh,
you’re not the one in the photo, are you?”
As this goes on with increasing
intensity, Tom Sloane slowly comes out of his hiding bushes, clutching the
pirate flag around him. He starts to run for it—but a shadowy shape sudden
darts into the park from the sidewalk and jumps on him. Startled, he falls
backward into the bushes again, the shadowy shape falling into the bushes with
him.
TOM: [VO] Augh! [voice cut off suddenly]
HELEN: [VO] So, you think you can
just ignore me as if I was a total stranger? All this time we’ve known each
other, and you think you can just take up with any woman you please, ignorant
of the pleasures you could have had with me?
TOM: [VO] Mmrph! Grmph! Rrrghmmph!
HELEN: [VO] Stop struggling! I’ve been working out since
you left me, and I’m a lot stronger than you now! I want you to see what you
gave up when you ran off with that wench, whoever she is! Gimme your hands!
Feel these? Feel how luscious and ripe they are, ready for picking? Is this the
kind of body you can just run off and ignore whenever you feel like it? Is this
a body you can toss away like two-week-old lasagna? [sound
of clothing tearing] Look at me now! [sound of more clothing
tearing] And look at you! We were made for each other! Look at how we... we...
uh-oh.
TOM: [VO] Mrs. Morgendorffer?
HELEN: [VO] Oh, my God!
TOM: [VO] What the hell are you doing?
HELEN: [VO] I... I... thought you were... um...
TOM: [VO] And I thought... uh... Mrs. Morgendor—
HELEN: [VO] Shhh. [beat] Call me
Helen.
A silence begins, broken only by
rustling noises coming from the bush where Amy and the three Js are, um,
occupied. Very quickly, rustling noises begin coming from the bush where Tom
and Helen are hiding as well. The noises in both places grow in intensity,
mixed with cries of “Avast!” and “Yo,
ho, ho!” and “Mmmph!”
While this goes on,
yet another shadowy form can be seen walking into the park. It's Eric
Schrecter, Helen's boss, apparently having come directly here from his legal office.
His tie is loose, his shirt unbuttoned, and his face sweaty. He holds a fax
machine page in his hand, trying to read it and look around at the same time.
When he walks, he appears uncomfortable, as if his underwear were riding up on
him.
ERIC: Hey, is there anyone here looking for someone in a thong? Anyone? This fax says I was supposed to come here wearing a
thong, and... huh. Maybe this was for tomorrow night. Or last
night. Damn it! [walks away as bushes vibrate with extreme
intensity]
23. INT: ABOUT THIS TIME, MORGENDORFFERS’ HOME, FRONT HALL
Daria and Quinn hurry to the front
door to answer a knocking there. They open the door—and discover Joel, holding
the baby. The baby is sound asleep and covered with drool. His bottle is
nowhere in sight.
JOEL: Hey, girls. Is Amy here?
Daria and Quinn blink at Joel in
astonishment.
QUINN: Why aren’t you in the park?
JOEL: What park?
QUINN: The park, like the message
said?
JOEL: What message?
DARIA: [looks behind
Joel at the street] Is that Dad’s car pulling
away, with him waving?
JOEL: Yeah. Your dad gave me a lift here. He came by the
restaurant to find someone named Lindy, and he picked me up, too. I wanted to
come by and make up with Amy, you know.
Daria and Quinn look at each other
with white faces, then at Joel.
DARIA: Why wasn’t Dad at the park?
JOEL: I dunno. He said he was heading for the airport. Something about being late for a meeting of the Mile-High Club with
Lindy, or something. He’s sure one busy fella.
QUINN: So, he didn’t get a message, and you didn’t get a
message?
JOEL: No. Got some wings at Hooters,
though. They were pretty good. I think they were chicken, too.
Daria leaves the front door and
slowly walks upstairs.
DARIA: [calls as she
goes] Chernobyl is all yours, Comrade.
24. INT: THE NEXT MORNING, MORGENDORFFERS’ HOME, KITCHEN
Daria, wearing a “Much Ado About Nothing” nightshirt and short pants, wanders barefoot
into the kitchen in the middle of a huge yawn. She opens her eyes—and jerks to
a halt, staring at the kitchen table. Helen Morgendorffer and Amy Barksdale sit
at opposite ends of the table; Jeffy, Joey, and Jamie surround Amy, and Tom
Sloane sits by Helen’s side. All drink coffee or milk and eat doughnuts from a
huge box labeled “Krispy Grease.” Everyone wears
assorted mismatched clothing, mostly baggy sweat suits that appear to belong to
Helen or Amy. Leaves and sticks are visible in their matted hair.
DARIA: [wide-eyed]
Okay, which one of you is the Dormouse?
HELEN: [strained
cheeriness] Hello, dear! Why don’t you join us?
TOM: We saved a cruller for you.
AMY: With sprinkles.
Amy’s comment causes
Jeffy, Joey, and Jamie to break into snickers at a private joke.
DARIA: Tom? What are you doing here with Moe, Larry, and
Curly?
TOM: Oh, I’m just... um...
JOEY: Yeah, you know, um...
JEFFY: We’re kind of like...
JAMIE: Yeah.
HELEN: [puts down
her chocolate éclair and stands up] Daria, I may as well come out with it.
Tom... what I mean to say is that, Tom and I, we... [sits down]... saved a cruller for you.
TOM: With sprinkles.
Jeffy, Joey, and Jamie again catch the giggles.
AMY: [glares at the
three Js] Knock it off.
DARIA: [eyeing
everyone carefully] Before this delightful talk proceeds any further, I
need to go to the pharmacy and pick up an exceptionally strong major
tranquilizer, unless I can find a sledgehammer in the garage to solve the
problem.
HELEN: Oh, Daria, don’t hurt yourself!
DARIA: I wasn’t going to hurt me.
Footsteps are heard. Quinn (with
glasses) walks into the kitchen, dressed in a Marie Curie glow-in-the-dark
nightshirt and electric yellow shorts.
QUINN: ‘Morning! How is—[sees three Js, recoils]—AAAAH!!! What the hell are you guys
doing here?
JEFFY: We just went through that.
JOEY: I don’t remember my part now! What do I say?
AMY: [finishes
coffee and stands up] Don’t worry, dear. I’m going
to wake up Joel and the baby, and then we’ll go home. I think our house is big
enough for six, if we rearrange the furniture a bit.
QUINN: [initially
delighted] Oh, then it worked! I knew it would wor—[confused]—for six? For
six?
AMY: It was good seeing you girls. Good-bye, Helen. Good
luck. [to three Js] Let’s shove off, me buckos.
Jeffy, Joey, and Jamie grab their
last doughnuts, stand up, and follow Amy out of the kitchen. They are happily
fixated on Amy and barely glance at Quinn as they go.
JEFFY: Bye!
JOEY: Have fun!
JAMIE: See you somewhere next week or something!
Quinn stares wide-eyed after Amy
and the three Js. Shocked, Daria watches them go, too.
DARIA: [turns to
Helen and Tom] Anything else I should know before
I make an emergency appointment with the school psychiatrist today?
HELEN: [nervously
playing with her éclair and getting chocolate all over her fingers] Well,
dear, you know your father and I are divorced, so as a result we’re not living
together, and we’re not seeing each other, which means, you know, we’re free to
see other people when we want, and—are you sure you don’t want a cruller?
DARIA: [steps back]
Mom, you’re telling me that... you... you and Tom... you...
HELEN: Uh... yes.
TOM: We were hoping you and Quinn would be the
bridesmaids.
Quinn emits a strangled gasp. Her
eyes roll up into her head, and she crashes to the floor.
DARIA: [stares
popeyed at her mother and Tom] You—
HELEN: We’re not doing anything fancy, of course, just a
justice of the peace and then off to the Bahamas. Tom’s got to finish high
school, and I have so much work at the office, you know, I don’t know how I’ll
ever—
TOM: [puts a hand on
Helen’s arm] It’s time for a vacation, Helen. You’ve earned it. I’ll use my
college fund. My Uncle Bob will give me another one for Christmas.
HELEN: [smiles, to
Tom] Why, thank you, dear!
Helen and Tom kiss, then Tom takes
Helen’s hands and begins licking the chocolate off Helen’s fingers.
Daria backs up, staring in horror,
and bumps into Quinn. She looks down briefly at her unconscious sister.
DARIA: [to Quinn]
Congratulations, Einstein.
Daria flees the kitchen as Helen
and Tom become more amorous.
HELEN: Oh. Oh! Oh, quick, let’s go in the living room and
put Barry White! I’m in the moooooood!
25. EXT: A SHORT WHILE LATER, OUTSIDE THE
MORGENDORFFERS’ HOME
Daria, dressed for school and with
her backpack, walks out the front door. Jane Lane walks up the sidewalk toward
her, also dressed for class.
JANE: Hey! What’s up? What’s going on? How you doing?
DARIA: My mother’s running off with your boyfriend. Other
than that—
JANE: [stops,
wide-eyed] What?
DARIA: Here’s the short form: My mother and Tom are
getting married and flying to the Bahamas. My Aunt Amy’s taken Jeffy, Joey, and
Jamie to live with her and Uncle Joel and Prince Poopalot.
And Aunt Rita called a few minutes ago to say that my dad was taking her to
Vegas on that airline where everyone flies in the nude. Quinn’s plan to get my
parents together backfired bigger than the Watergate break-in. There’s probably
a French word for it.
Jane’s shocked look fades. She
shrugs and starts walking toward school with Daria again.
JANE: Well, c’est la
vive. I thought something was going on last night when Tom unexpectedly ran
off on me. Just got up and left. No reason at all.
DARIA: It was the whip, wasn’t it?
JANE: [stamps her
foot] I knew it was too soon in the relationship.
DARIA: Men.
JANE: Parents.
DARIA: Siblings.
JANE: Lawndale.
DARIA: Fanfic writers.
JANE: Exactly. [looks down the sidewalk]
Speaking of which...
A female Lawndale High School
student skips gaily up the sidewalk, arm in arm with what appears to be someone
in a giant possum costume wearing a thong.
KRISTEN: Oh, Pogo! You’re the dreamiest! [skips past]
GIANT POSSUM: [which
sounds remarkably like Upchuck] Rrrowrrr!
JANE: [watches them
leave] Hmmm. Why am I thinking of Kevin and Brittany?
DARIA: Suddenly, I feel a pressing need to think of our
future. After school, you wanna help me look up some colleges in Australia that
we can apply to?
JANE: That isn’t far enough away from here, but it’ll have
to do.
DARIA: Right after pizza.
JANE: Done, amiga.
Daria and Jane wander away toward
school. After a pause, Quinn dashes out of the house with her
books, running madly after them, screaming.
QUINN: Daria! Don’t leave me here! They’re eating
chocolate-chip cookie-dough ice cream off each other! Daria!
BONUS DRAMATIC SCENE!
26. INT: THAT NIGHT, AMY AND JOEL’S HOME, LIVING ROOM
Joel sits on the sofa, watching a
football game on a big-screen TV set. The living room is covered with bits of
used clothing, all belonging to Joel. Joel wears a Howard Stern T-shirt,
Scooby-Doo boxers, and filthy white athletic socks with holes in them, and he
is drinking a Duff beer. A commercial comes on the TV at halftime.
TV ANNOUNCER: [dull
monotone] Hi. My name is Luhrman. I’m the president and CEO of Hooters
Family Restaurants. Starting tomorrow, Hooters will offer a free lap dance and
a thong with each purchase of our Macho Nachos and Hot Wings combo. Bring the
family for a great time at a great place to eat. Food, I mean. Whatever.
JOEL: Eh. I’ll stick with the American Burger.
TV ANNOUNCER: [Luhrman]
And let me introduce the newest member of the happy
Hooters’ family—Miss Daria Morgendorffer.
TV DARIA: Hi! I’m Daria! Welcome to... welcome to... to...
JANE! How the HELL did you talk me into this? JANE! JANE, I’M GOING TO KI—
The bedroom door opens behind
Joel. Amy walks out, tying up the belt on her bathrobe, which appears to be her
only apparel. She walks over and kisses Joel on top of his head.
AMY: I forgive you for saying that my butt was big.
JOEL: [watches TV]
Okay.
AMY: Do it again, and you’ll sleep in the trash compactor.
JOEL: [watches TV]
That’s fair.
Behind the two, Jeffy, Joey, and
Jamie stumble out of the bedroom, wearing pirate costumes in complete disarray.
Totally exhausted and bleary-eyed, they make their way to the sofa and collapse
on the cushions next to Joel.
JEFFY: [watching TV
now] Hey.
JOEY: [also watching
TV] Hey.
JAMIE: [watches TV]
Hey.
JOEL: [watches TV]
Hey. Thanks a lot for helping Amy out with her new play. How was the rehearsal?
JEFFY: [watches TV]
Incredible.
JOEY: [watches TV]
Awesome.
JAMIE: [watches TV]
There’s probably a French word for it.
AMY: Thanks, guys, but I think we need to work on that
desert island scene a little more. Practice makes perfect! Let’s take a break
and have another rehearsal in an hour, okay?
JEFFY, JOEY, AND JAMIE: [nod quickly, still watching TV] Yeah. Cool. Excellent.
JOEL: [watches TV]
I think it’s great you’ve decided to become a playwright, Amy. You have so many
talents and so much energy, I can hardly keep up with
you!
JAMIE: [watches TV]
Word.
JOEY: [watches TV]
What he said.
JEFFY: [watches TV]
You have no idea, dude.
A knock sounds at the door. Amy
walks over and opens it, revealing a cheerful Brittany Taylor in her Hooters
outfit. She holds Amy’s infant son, who snores soundly with his face buried
between Brittany’s breasts.
BRITTANY: Hi, Amy! I think Joel forgot something when he
left the restaurant this afternoon! [hands over sleeping
baby]
AMY: [takes groggy
baby, who is starting to wake up] Thanks, Brittany! Just in time for his
feeding, too.
JOEL, JOEY, JEFFY, AND JAMIE: [watch TV] Hi, Brittany.
BRITTANY: Hi, guys! See you tomorrow! And remember our
Macho Nachos and Hot Wings lap dance special!
JOEL, JOEY, JEFFY, AND JAMIE: [watch TV] Thanks, Brittany.
AMY: Remember to bring back the free thongs. Mine are in
the laundry now.
BRITTANY: Oh! I just got off work, so you can use mine! [takes a used thong out of her pocket and hands it
to Amy]
AMY: Thanks! [puts Brittany’s thong
in her bathrobe pocket] I’ll wear it for our next rehearsal!
Brittany waves happily and leaves.
Amy closes the door, then walks over to a rocking chair and sits down, getting
her baby ready for feeding. The baby—awake now—looks up at Amy in confusion, then quickly looks around the room for Brittany.
AMY: Now, now... um... what was it... Dan! Dan,
Mommy’s here with dinner, all for you! Which one do you want to start with?
Amy opens up her bathrobe and
reveals two perky—but comparatively small—breasts. The baby stares for a
moment, then rubs his eyes and looks again at Amy’s breasts with a mixture of
shock, disappointment, and horror. He then looks around the room in a panic. He
sees the TV set, which shows a picture of a Hooters girl waving at the TV audience
in a commercial, and he holds out his arms to her in desperation.
BABY: [reaching for
TV] Unh! Unh! Unh!
AMY: Joel! Dan’s starting to talk!
JOEL: [watches TV]
Who?
AMY: Dan, you dope! The baby! He’s starting
to talk!
JOEL: [watches TV]
Cool.
AMY: [to baby]
Say it! Say “Mommy”! Starts with Mmmmmmmm—
BABY: [reaching for
TV] Unh! Uhh-buh! Buh! Buuuuuoooobs!
AMY: [beat] WHAAAT?
BABY: [reaching for
TV] Boobs! Boobs! Boooooooobs! [bursts into tears]
Fade out, just in time.
Original: 07/31/03; revised 08/04/03, 09/04/06, 09/23/06,
04/01/09, 05/04/10
FINIS